


Inked

by eternal_lights



Category: Teen Top (Band)
Genre: M/M, One-Shot Collection, tattoo!AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-18
Updated: 2016-12-18
Packaged: 2018-08-09 15:43:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 38,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7807678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eternal_lights/pseuds/eternal_lights
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The heat spreads across your skin, but it is bearable. It’s an exciting kind of sting, one you’ve been waiting for. Sometimes it’s so fast it’s over in a flash, sometimes it is slow, and you’re able to feel the lines of ink drawing themselves onto your skin. The burn is unmistakable. It comes with an overwhelming sense of belonging and tenderness, because that pain? It hits when you fall in love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. CHUNJOE (Chunji x L.Joe)

**Author's Note:**

> A series of tattoo!AU one-shots feat. every possible pairing in Teen Top. Enjoy! :D
> 
> Also posted to AFF.

“Have you seen the new employee?”

Chanhee shot a glance at the office girls, their voices floating through the break room doors. His curiosity piqued, but he quickly squashed it down. He kept his eyes glued to his computer screen and managed to block out the chatter, frowning in concentration.

“Hey Chanhee,” he jumped, “Have you met Byunghun?”

Chanhee steeled himself before looking up at his boss. From the corner of his eye, he could see the blurry outline of a man standing beside him. Besides his brown hair and slightly awkward stance, Chanhee couldn’t make out any distinguishable features. And it was better that way.

“I’m just showing him around the office.”

Chanhee nodded curtly in his general direction, blinking fast to blur his face, before focusing again on his computer monitor. He probably looked rude and standoffish, but honestly he really didn’t care anymore.

 

“Isn’t he just Chanhee’s type?”

“Please, Chanhee has no type. Or standards for that matter. He just likes everyone.”

Chanhee gritted his teeth as giggles rose. He glared at the coffee machine as it slowly started to trickle, willing it to go faster.

It wasn’t a secret that he was a laughingstock. It had started with wide-eyed stared, then the whispering began and rumors started breaking out. He wasn’t oblivious to the fact that he was the center of most office gossip. He’d even walked in on them placing bets. He briefly wondered how long it would take for them to start laughing about it to his face.

He sighed, crossing his arms.

“Hello.”

He turned his head, raising an eyebrow. He could feel his guard go up as he took in the man standing next to him. He was cute, much to his dismay, and unfamiliar.

“Do I know you?” he tilted his head.

The other’s smile drooped a little. Chanhee felt the urge to apologize, but he bit his tongue.

“We just met a few hours ago. I’m Byunghun,” he stuck out his hand to shake, “You’re Chanhee, right? It’s nice to meet you.”

He smiled, and Chanhee’s heart clenched. He gingerly took his hand. He hated the way the other’s hand felt warm and soft in his. He grimaced slightly as he pulled his hand away.

“I should get back to work,” he muttered, turning back to the coffee machine and pouring himself a cup.

He stalked back to his desk. He glanced back and frowned when he caught sight of Byunghun staring down at the coffee machine, frozen, a lost expression on his face. Chanhee felt guilty, and he almost wanted to go back and apologize for his rudeness, and maybe brush the fringe out his eyes… Chanhee straightened, his hands firmly on his keyboard. No, he wasn’t about to be weak again.

 

Chanhee’s eyes flickered from his documents up to Byunghun and back. He frowned slightly at the crowd surrounding him.

“You look a little jealous.”

Chanhee glanced up, startled. Minsoo peered over at him from his cubicle. He scoffed.

“What is there to be jealous of?”

“I’m still trying to figure it out,” he rested his head on the separator, “I can’t tell if it’s because of Byunghun or the people around him.”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

Minsoo dangled his arms across the divider.

“Well, are you jealous of Byunghun because you used to be like him? Or are you jealous of everyone else because they get to be close to him?”

Chanhee glared at him. Minsoo just raised his eyebrows at him before dropping back down out of sight. Chanhee groaned, leaning back in his chair and running both hands through his hair.

He sighed. It’s not like he was wrong. He did used to be outgoing and spent a lot of time with friends. But it was because of people like Byunghun that he became soft-spoken and introverted. People who looked way too cute coming into work still blinking sleep from their eyes, who grumbled adorably under their breath when they received a new workload, who brushed the fringe out of their eyes only to have it flop back down seconds later. People like Byunghun made him fall in love too easily.

He shook his head, sitting up. He had to distract himself. As he righted himself and grabbed some loose paper to work on, his eyes met Byunghun’s. He froze. The other half-lifted his hand to wave, and flashed him a small toothy smile that made his eyes turn into crescents, and Chanhee couldn’t stop the sickening, all too familiar warmth spreading through his body. He widened his eyes and tore his gaze away.

He spent the rest of the hour with his eyes glued to the papers in front of him, his hand gripping a pencil so tightly it almost snapped.

Only when everyone started filing out for lunch did he rush to the bathroom. He quickly pulled off his sweater and twisted wildly this way and that, scanning his skin in a panic.

“Oh god,” he whispered, horrified.

He poked and prodded at the new splotch of color on his shoulder until the skin around the lines turned red. He scratched at it, almost laughing pitifully at the way the tattoo managed to fit itself perfectly between the others, its lines just barely grazing the others.

He was so focused on examining the new colors on his body that he didn’t notice the door swing open.

“Chanhee?”

He spun around without thinking and blanched at the sight of Byunghun, frozen halfway past the door. He had one leg in but seemed hesitant to take another step forward. He was looking at him with a mixture of confusion and concern, his eyes flickering down to his arms and Chanhee remembered they were still exposed. He quickly grabbed his sweater off the floor and pulled it over his head, heading towards the door.

“Chanhee—”

“Excuse me,” he muttered, pushing past him.

Byunghun could only watch him walk away, too appalled to even reach out. He never would have guessed that Chanhee, the quiet office guy who always avoided his eyes, would have such vivid colors painted on his arms. Byunghun could barely see any flesh. It was like someone had peeled away the canvas of a painting and stuck it to him. And Byunghun wanted to know the story behind it.

 

Getting close to the other male was easier said than done. Chanhee didn’t make any effort to come forward and explain, in fact, it seemed like he tried his best to stay out of his way. Whenever he did manage to catch his eye, Byunghun would smile to try and show that he wasn’t put off by his tattoos, but Chanhee would only pale and look away. The idea of becoming friends with the other wasn’t looking too promising.

But an opportunity presented itself a few weeks later.

Byunghun cracked his stiff knuckles and blinked his bleary eyes as he finally looked up from the computer screen. He realized with a jolt how late it was and how silent the office was. He briefly recalled some of his coworkers bidding him goodbye.

He stretched and yawned, ready to go home. He wearily stood up and headed towards the door, but stopped short when he noticed a light still turned on. He frowned.

He crept around the corner and peeked into the cubicle.

“Chanhee?”

The other turned in surprise from where he was slumped over his computer.

“Byunghun!” his eyes widened, “What are you doing here?”

“Working late,” he shrugged, “Same as you, I guess.”

Chanhee finally realized who he was talking to and his mouth dried. He nodded curtly and turned his back. Byunghun’s shoulders hunched even further before gathering his courage and sliding forward. Chanhee startled as Byunghun silently started to pick through and sort the pile of documents next to him.

“What are you doing?”

“Helping you,” Byunghun pulled up a chair.

“Why?” he asked hesitantly.

“Well, I can’t just go home knowing you’d be stuck here for the next few hours,” he shot him a small smile, “Besides, it’ll go faster with the two of us.”

Chanhee nodded slowly, a blush creeping up his neck.

“Okay.”

 

“Done,” Chanhee groaned, flinging his pen across the room.

He looked over at Byunghun, a thank you forming on his lips, but found the other fast asleep, slumped over his desk.

Chanhee giggled silently to himself as the other mumbled in his sleep. He reached out without thinking, but quickly withdrew his hand like he’d been burnt. But he couldn’t just leave him there. He quickly tapped his shoulder, making the other jolt awake. The latter blinked sleepily at him, and Chanhee’s skin burned.

“I’m all done,” he said, suddenly timid, “You fell asleep towards the end but you helped me a lot, so thank you.”

“No problem,” Byunghun rubbed his cheek.

“We should probably head home now.”

They collected all their things and headed to the door together. As they walked down the hallway, Byugnhun suddenly stumbled into his side. Chanhee automatically reached an arm out and caught him before he fell.

“You okay?”

“Sorry, I’m just sleepy,” Byunghun yawned.

Chanhee felt a little pang of guilt.

“How far are you from home?”

“About twenty minutes, but I’ll--” he yawned again.

Chanhee kept his arm around his shoulders as he led him towards his car.

“I’m not letting you take the risk of falling asleep at the wheel,” he said firmly.

Byunghun peered at him.

“Are you sure?”

“Yup,” Chanhee said before he could change his mind and run away.

It might have been his mind playing tricks on him, but he felt Byunghun press closer to him.

 

“Are you sure you’re okay with this?” Byunghun asked again for the hundredth time.

Chanhee just rolled his eyes and reassured him that yes, it was fine. His unease had faded away during the car ride, so he kept his arm around Byunghun, steadying him as they walked into the apartment, even though the other was slightly more awake now. And he wasn’t going to lie, he liked the way the other fit snugly under his arm.

He led a confused Byunghun into the bedroom and blushed at his quizzical look.

“The couch is too small for anyone to sleep on,” he reasoned, a little flustered.

Byunghun, too tired to argue, just nodded and collapsed on the bed. Chanhee tried to calm himself as he headed to the bathroom, but he couldn’t help but feel at a loss for words when he came back to a lump in his sheets and soft snores emanating from it. He took a deep breath.

“Don’t try and get used to it,” he thought as he climbed into the other side, “It’s not going to last.”

 

Chanhee woke up the next morning to the sound of his name.

“Chanhee,” he scrunched his eyebrows, his eyes still closed, “I wish you would talk to me. I want to get to know you better because…” a sigh, “Well, I like you a lot. And I’ve tried talking to you, and you turn away, and…” a bitter chuckle, “Honestly, it hurts a little bit.”

He shuffled a bit in the sheets. When he spoke again, his voice softened a bit.

“I wonder if it’s because I saw your tattoos. You seemed so scared that day. Why do you hide them?”

“Because I find them ugly,” Chanhee decided to speak up.

Byunghun almost tumbled out of bed in shock. He quickly turned his head to stare at Chanhee, who finally opened his eyes. He continued to talk before the other could open his mouth.

“It’s hard to love something that makes you feel so marginalised. I hate them. I hate my skin. There’s nothing more I want to do that shed it.”

“But tattoos are supposed to be beautiful.”

“Not to me,” his cheek pressed into his pillow, “It’s the worst feeling in the world to have all your love displayed clearly to every person. It’s why I can’t get close to anyone anymore. People push me away, because they’re scared I’ll love and leave them. And I guess they’re right. I fall in love too easily. So why not do everyone a favor and stay away?”

“I’m sorry,” Byunghun said softly.

“Not your fault,” Chanhee turned onto his back,” I’ve learned to live with it.”

“But you shouldn’t have had to,” Byunghun reached out and traced his cheek, “If it means anything, I think they’re beautiful. You’re beautiful. And you don’t have to worry about hiding yourself with me.”

Chanhee reddened under his touch. In the back of his mind, he was instinctively reeling away from the domesticity of it all, but maybe, just maybe, he could learn to live with it.

 

“Tell me a story.”

Chanhee’s lips curled, keeping his eyes closed.

“What kind of story?”

Byunghun snuggled closer into his chest and used his finger to draw the outlines of the tattoos on his arm. From far it looked like someone had thrown paint all over his arm with the way the colors contrasted with each other, but at as closer look, Byunghun realized that it wasn’t all beautiful. Tattoos would overlap each other, the colors blending together and becoming muddy. But he didn’t mind all that. As long as he could always have the chance to press a kiss onto his own, pristine and untouched among all the others.

“What about this one?” he pressed the ink on his bicep.

Chanhee knew which one he was talking about.

“I got that one the first time I fell in love. She was the prettiest girl I’d ever seen, and I can’t even tell you how happy I was when she said yes to my cheesy confession. We did everything that cliché teen romance movies show; stealing kisses in a dark movie theater, dancing in the rain, riding the Ferris wheel… All those cheesy things.”

Byunghun frowned and Chanhee chuckled softly.

“It didn’t last though.”

“What happened?”

“I fell for someone else. Maybe that was the first indication that everything would start to go wrong.”

“Can I guess which one it was?”

Chanhee turned onto his back, exposing his chest.

“Go ahead.”

Byunghun propped himself up on one arm and examined the expanse of his skin carefully. Chanhee watched him with a small smile, wondering when was the last time someone had seen him was so bare, and so vulnerable. He couldn’t help but feel so fortunate to have found the only person he trusted enough to reveal himself to.

Byunghun finally tapped a spot in the crook of his elbow, looking up at Chanhee expectantly.

“This one?”

He nodded.

“I dated him for a few months, but I felt guilty the whole time. And it only got worse when he broke up with me after finding another tattoo on me,” he stared up at the ceiling, “I’d driven away two people I cared about, and after that, I think I kinda knew that it would happen again. So I started wearing longer sleeves, and I hid in the bathroom whenever I needed to change. But I couldn’t stop the rumors.

I became a shell of a person. I hated the fact that I could see something new on my body every time I looked in the mirror. So I stopped trying to make friends, and I ignored the ones I already had, because I was so scared of falling for someone else.”

He fell silent. Byunghun didn’t say anything.

“What? No more questions?” he nudged him.

“Too sad,” he shook his head.

Chanhee just nodded and turned back onto his side, curling an arm around his waist. They stayed that way for a while, Byunghun still lightly dragging a finger over his skin.

“Tell me the story behind this one,” he whispered.

Chanhee smiled when he realized Byunghun was pointing to his own.

“There’s a happy ending to that one. It belongs to the only person I don’t regret falling for. Someone who has a beautiful personality and the most amazing smile. Someone who made me realize that love isn’t something to be ashamed of feeling. Someone who finally dragged me out of my shell to live again,” he pressed a kiss onto the other’s forehead, “Someone who made me love myself again.”


	2. CHANGRICK (Changjo x Ricky)

“Captains, pick your teams.”

Changhyun shifted awkwardly on the sidelines as he waited for his name to be called. He glared at Chanhee, who only smiled back cheekily in response. He’d purposefully not named him, just to watch him sweat.

He sighed as more and more people joined the teams. Chanhee finally seemed to take pity on him and was about to call his name.

“Changhyun.”

He blinked. That wasn’t Chanhee. The latter stared in surprise as Changhyun shuffled robotically over to his team. Jonghyun’s team. His crush’s team.

He stood off to the side, unfamiliar with his teammates. He could only hope the coach didn’t tell everyone to pair up.

“Okay everyone. Pair up with your teammates and practice your passes.”

He deflated. He could see Chanhee look at him apologetically, but he waved him off. Sighing, he turned to grab a ball out of the basket. Maybe he could practice with the wall or something.

He took a step forward and bumped into someone.

“Hey, Changhyun.”

He blushed furiously as Jonghyun greeted him, casually tossing a ball from hand to hand.

“Uh, want to be my partner?”

Changhyun nodded wordlessly and followed him to an empty spot on the court.

“Ready?”

He crouched, his hands ready. Jonghyun gently tossed him the ball and he hit it back, his eyebrows furrowed in concentration. No way was he going to embarrass himself.

They passed the ball back and forth in silence. He shrugged at Chanhee when the other shot him curious glances from the other side of the gym.

“So, uh…”

Changhyun caught the ball in surprise.

“Yeah?” he asked tentatively.

“Well, um,” Jonghyun gestured for him to toss the ball, “You know, we’ve been classmates for years but we don’t really talk.”

“I guess,” Changhyun shrugged, trying his best to look nonchalant despite his thundering heart.

They hit the ball a few more times in silence. Changhyun prayed the air wasn’t as awkward as he thought it was.

“What do you like to do?” he blurted out.

Jonghyun took his focus off the ball.

“Me? I like to dance.”

Changhyun snapped his fingers.

“That’s true, I remember. The talent show, right?” he asked.

Jonghyun nodded, looking a little nervous.

“You were really good,” Changhyun smiled at him.

He looked relieved.

“Really?”

“Of course. You should be part of a dance team or something.”

“I am, actually. We’re looking for members,” he caught the ball, “Do you… happen to dance?”

Without the ball to distract him, Changhyun had no choice but to look at Jonghyun. He was staring back expectantly.

“Well, yes,” Jonghyun’s face brightened, “Never with a team though.”

“Oh, that’s okay. We just want people to join,” his hands fiddled with the ball, “You can come watch a class and then decide, if you want. There’s one tonight.”

“I’ll think about it.”

 

“You joined a dance team?”

Chanhee and Niel stared at him incredulously.

“I didn’t even know you danced.”

Changhyun groaned.

“I don’t,” he covered his face with his hands, “I never took lessons. I just watch Youtube videos and copy that.”

Niel pried his hands away, but he kept his eyes shut.

“They’ll teach you choreography. It’ll just like a video. Just follow along.”

Changhyun finally opened his eyes. Chanhee was eyeing him suspiciously.

“Why did you join?”

Changhyun thought back to gym class. After the game, Jonghyun had walked up and high-fived him, telling him good job. Then he had asked him to think about his offer and smiled. Changhyun had felt his resolve waver and he had blurted out that he’d be there before he could stop himself.

“There might be a guy,” he coughed, diverting his eyes.

“Aha!” Chanhee pointed at him, “Who is it?”

“Choi Jonghyun,” he sighed.

“Ooh, the really cute dancer boy?” Chanhee leaned forward, “He asked you to join?”

Changhyun nodded, a flush rising up his neck. The other regarded him for a while, pursing his lips.

“What?” he finally snapped.

“You like him, don’t you?” he smirked.

Changhyun sputtered. Chanhee just looked at him knowingly.

 

When Changhyun walked into the dance studio, Jonghyun looked up from where he was stretching and bounded over.

“Hey,” he beamed, “You came.”

“Well, I said I would, didn’t I?” he laughed, a little self-consciously.

He walked into the room, glancing around.

“I gotta say, I’m a little nervous.”

“Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll do fine,” he pat his shoulder reassuringly, “Here, come stretch with me.”

Jonghyun pulled him to the mirror. They made idle chit-chat as they stretched. Changhyun answered his questions with a shy smile, trying not to stare at the other’s arms.

“Okay, everyone. Gather round,” the instructor clapped his hands.

Changhyun stood up and joined the circle, trying to ignore the way Jonghyun’s hand was brushing against his.

“First, I just want to welcome all new members,” he nodded to a few people, “I hope you all enjoy dancing with us.”

He turned towards the mirror.

“Now, we have a recital planned in a few months, so I want to get started right away,” he gestured for them to get into lines, “We’ll start off with a simple choreography.”

He switched on the music and got into place.

Changhyun took a deep breath and closed his eyes, letting the beat of the music wash over him.

 

“Hey Changhyun, wait up!”

Changhyun whirled around and caught sight of Jonghyun jogging his way. He pretended not to notice the way his shirt stuck to his skin.

“You did really well today,” he grinned at him once he caught up, “I didn’t know you were so good.”

Changhyun blushed at the compliment. He shouldered his bag.

“Thanks for telling me about it. I had fun.”

They started walking together to the school gates.

“What are you thinking of doing for the dance?”

Changhyun sighed. The instructor had left them with a project, a challenge to choreograph their own dance, with the promise of letting them perform it at the recital.

“Oh, I don’t know,” he puffed his cheeks, “I don’t really know much about choreographing.”

“What kind of dance do you do?”

“I think I’d be okay with anything, really,” he shrugged.

“Why don’t you partner up with me then?” Jonghyun grinned at him.

Changhyun could already imagine all the embarrassing fumbles and accidents he would have if it was just the two of them dancing. Yet, as Jonghyun smiled eagerly at him, he found himself unable to say no.

“Yeah, that’d be great.”

 

Changhyun started meeting up with Jonghyun after school a few times a week to practice. His friends had all been caught up with the reasons for his absences, so they all winked knowingly at him when he shouldered his dance bag.

Jonghyun, he soon came to find out, was a passionate dancer and a great partner. But he was all about the complicated footwork, and honestly Changhyun wanted to die after each rehearsal. But he soldiered on, and was rewarded each time with a bright smile and a cool soda, so maybe it was all worth it.

He’d only slipped up a few times, but each time Jonghyun was quick to pull him up and check him for injuries, and each time Changhyun’s heart beat faster.

After a few weeks, they weren’t just meeting for dance practices anymore. Jonghyun first asked him for help with homework, soon it became meeting up for coffee. Changhyun was positively floating on air.

When Changhyun recounted these events to Chanhee, the other had listened amusedly.

“He totally likes you.”

Changhyun had blushed then and stuttered.

“He doesn’t. I- I’m sure he’s just being nice.”

“Sure,” he rolled his eyes, “You’ll see.”

 

“You ready?”

Changhyun jumped at the voice. He spun around and sighed in relief when he spotted Jonghyun.

“Honestly, no,” he turned back to watch the performers already on stage, “I’m really nervous.”

“Hey,” Jonghyun slid up to stand beside him, “I’m sure you’ll do fine. You practiced a lot and you did great during rehearsal today.”

It was true. The instructor had even applauded them, commending their hard work. Still, he worried.

He was busy recounting the steps in his head when Jonghyun slipped his hand into his. He froze, startled.

“Don’t think about it too much. Just enjoy yourself up there.”

Changhyun really hoped the dimmed lights backstage hid his red cheeks.

“Changhyun, Jonghyun, you guys are next.”

 

As he waited behind the curtains, Changhyun was seriously considering running straight out the back door. But he caught Jonghyun’s eye from across the stage, the latter smiled encouragingly at him, and his nervousness eased.

 

After the performance ended, Changhyun squeezed his way through the crowd of people, trying to find his friends. He craned his neck, attempting to look over the heads.

“Changhyun!”

He turned, smiling at Jonghyun walking towards him.

“I found you,” Changhyun’s heart fluttered, “You did a great job up there today.”

“Well, you were a great teacher.”

Jonghyun shuffled his feet, suddenly looking nervous.

“Something wrong? You look a little stressed.”

“No, no,” he ran a hand through his hair, “Actually, I… I was wondering if, you know, you’d want to-“

“Changhyun!”

They both whipped around at the yell. Changhyun groaned as Chanhee’s body slammed into him.

“Changhyun, you did so well,” he screamed in his ear, circling his arms around his waist, “I’m so proud of you.”

Changhyun’s head hurt a little with the way Chanhee was bouncing him around.

“Chanhee, put me down,” his teeth clicked together.

When the other finally let him go, Changhyun whacked him over the head, but he only smiled back fondly. Changhyun rolled his eyes and turned back to Jonghyun, who was watching the scene unfold with a stricken expression.

“Sorry about that,” he apologized, “This is Chanhee. Chanhee, Jonghyun.”

“Ah, the famous Choi Jonghyun,” Chanhee held out his hand, “The one who’s been taking Changhyun away from me.”

“It’s nice to meet you,” Jonghyun shook his head, his smile tight.

“What were you saying before?” Changhyun asked him.

Jonghyun looked slightly troubled as he took in the way Chanhee casually swung his arm around the younger next to him.

“Oh, it’s… it’s nothing,” he swallowed, “It wasn’t anything important.”

“We’re going out for pizza. Would you like to join us?”

“No thank you,” he shook his head,” I think my parents are waiting for me.”

Changhyun watched him walk away, waving half-heartedly, his shoulders hunched.

 

“I guess absence really does make the heart grow fonder,” Changhyun thought forlornly as he stared down at his wrist.

It had been almost a week since he’s last talked to Jonghyun and Changhyun was certain the other was avoiding him. He had managed to catch his eye from across the hallway, but he had just ducked his head and walked away, ignoring the calls of his name. They didn’t meet up for coffee anymore, and his texts were left unanswered.

He’d been thinking about it one night, and it made Changhyun realized just how much he liked the other boy. He’d fallen asleep, his dreams filled with images and thoughts of Jonghyun, and when he’s woken up, the tattoo glowed brightly on his wrist.

So now he was determined to find the other and talk to him. He stalked off in the direction of the dance studio.

When he got to the door, he was surprised by the bass thumping heavily through the walls. He peeked in the door and inhaled sharply at the sight of Jonghyun dancing fervently, his shirt off. What made his heart pound was the tattoo inked across his back.

He stood there, mesmerized, until Jonghyun noticed his reflection in the mirror. He stopped dancing and turned off the music. He looked a little lost for a second before seeming to make up his mind, walking over and opening the door.

“What are you doing here?” he asked gruffly.

“I came to talk to you.”

Jonghyun walked back over to the mirror.

“About what?”

Changhyun followed him into the room.

“Well, first of all,” he hesitated, “Why do you have my tattoo?”

Jonghyun took a sip of water.

“I like you,” he shrugged.

“And you didn’t think about telling me before?” Changhyun’s voice was small.

“I was going to. You looked a little occupied,” he sighed, “Why didn’t you just tell me before? About you and Chanhee. You could have spared me the heartbreak.”

Changhyun blinked at him.

“Me and… Chanhee? We’re not together.”

Jonghyun cocked his head to the side, looking a little embarrassed.

“You’re not?”

“Of course not. We’re just good friends,” Changhyun peered at him, “Were you avoiding me because you were jealous?”

Jonghyun just blushed in response, turning away. Changhyun chuckled softly and walked over to him, sliding his arms around his waist.

“I like you, Jonghyun. Not Chanhee. You.”

“Really?”

Changhyun pushed out his arm, exposing his wrist to Jonghyun. The other boy traced it lightly with his finger in wonder.

“Me?”

“Yes, you. I even joined this dance team for you,” he smiled.

The other beamed back at him. Changhyun caught sight of the tattoo scrawled across his back in the mirror’s reflection.

“Can you tell me when you got mine?”

“A few days ago,” Jonghyun hugged him closer, “I kept thinking about you and Chanhee, going on dates, holding hands, kissing. And it made me so angry.”

Changhyun nuzzled into his shoulder.

“I’m not going out with Chanhee, much less kissing him,” he declared firmly.

They stayed silent for a moment.

“Does that mean I can kiss you?”

Changhyun pulled away and looked up at Jonghyun, smiling shyly.

“I think that would be okay.”


	3. CAPJO (CAP x Changjo)

Jonghyun had always been the curious type. Even when he was just a child, his favorite question to ask was always "why?".  
  
Why was the Earth round? Why did stars come out at night? Why were dogs always so loyal? Why did distinct smells trigger certain memories? Why did we dream?  
  
If his parents and friends couldn't answer him, he'd turn to his books. He'd scour through passages, flipping through pages, until he found the answers to his questions, and finally be able to shut and put away his books, satisfied with the new tidbit of information now stored away somewhere in the back of his mind.   
  
Now that he was older, he began asking himself more and more complex questions, but nothing that couldn't be answered without a little research   
  
It was almost like a party trick now. All his friends had to do was ask something that made them curious, and he was able to answer easily after a moment of thinking.   
  
He had an almost inexhaustible supply of knowledge that he loved to share. Finding explanations and answers became second nature to him. Just reading, or even actually going out into the field and experiencing gave him so much joy.   
  
But there was one question that eternally plagued him.   
  
Sure, he did his usual research and he understood the basic concept and the science behind it, but this really was something that had to be experienced to be able to fully understand it.   
  
Why did we fall in love? Or, more specifically, why did tattoos appear when we fell in love?  
  
  
Jonghyun first met Minsoo in music composition class. His first impression of the other was that he didn't belong. Him and his shades. So he shot questioning looks at the man sitting next to him, wondering how the hell he ended up here.   
  
That was until the professor asked him a question and he answered with a fluidity and depth even Jonghyun didn't possess. As the professor nodded approvingly, Jonghyun whispered to Minsoo under his breath.   
  
"How did you even know that?"  
  
He turned to him.   
  
"I like music."  
  
He lowered his shades and shot him a goofy smile. And Jonghyun's heart thudded in his chest.   
  
  
As it turned out, Minsoo knew music and nothing else. And he ended up not even knowing all that much.   
  
"I can't believe you don't even know how music notes came to be! I thought you liked music," Jonghyun exclaimed, pacing around his room.   
  
"I like music theory. I have no interest whatsoever in its history," Minsoo called out from where he was sprawled on the bed.   
  
Jonghyun grimaced.   
  
"Look, I know that there once was a beginning to music, and that it evolved over time to become what we know as music today, but that doesn't mean I want to know every last detail of its journey. I just know that it exists, it is there for me, and that I love it. Now can we please get back to the project?"  
  
Jonghyun huffed but obliged, coming to sit next to the other on the bed. The professor had given them their first assignment to do in pairs and had put the two of them together. They'd agreed on alternating houses for each meet-up; this time they were at Jonghyun's.  
  
Minsoo has marveled at all his books when he first walked in, which led Jonghyun to believe that maybe the other loved knowledge as much as him. It was only when his excited outpour of random facts was met with a confused smile that he realized that no, no Minsoo did not.   
  
"I'm not really that type of guy. I mean, sometimes I'm interested to know that kind of stuff, but most of the time I just appreciate the fact that it's there. I know it has its story, but I don't really care to look for it."  
  
"Well, where's the fun in that?" Jonghyun grumbled.   
  
Minsoo smiled next to him.   
  
"Fine, I understand. But once we finish this project, I will tell you how the music note got created."  
  
Beside him, Minsoo rolled his eyes but didn't lose his smile.   
  
  
Minsoo was a good listener. Jonghyun did have to give him credit for that. Maybe he wasn't one to hit the books once a question came to mind, but he listened well to Ionghyun when he went off on one of spiels and he managed to look at least half interested, which was more than any of his friends did.   
  
"It's not fake. I'm not pretending," Minsoo insisted when Jonghyun once accused him of faking his interest.   
  
Jonghyun just eyed him dubiously.   
  
"It's true," Minsoo grinned at him, "I quite like listening to you talk. Seeing you with so much passion, it's really cute."  
  
Jonghyun could feel his blush all the way down to his toes.   
  
  
"And did you know that when an elephant dies, the herd will mourn and hold a proper funeral for it before they move on?"  
  
"Oh really?"  
  
"Minsoo," Jonghyun whined.   
  
"What?" he answered, looking up.   
  
"Why aren't you listening to me?"  
  
"What makes you think I'm not?" he smiled, "I always listen to what you have to say, you know that."  
  
Jonghyun blushed as the other turned back to his computer. He talked the side of his ear, as if to say "I'm listening."  
  
"I really wish he'd stop doing that," Jonghyun thought.   
  
"Doing what?"  
  
He blanched as he realized he'd said that aloud. He laughed uncomfortably.   
  
"Ah, no, it's nothing. Nothing at all," he tried to change the subject, "So, anyway, as I was saying..."  
  
But he really had his attention now. Jonghyun could feel Minsoo's eyes on him—  
  
But he kept talking about dead elephants—  
  
And Minsoo was looking at him with his usual amused expression—  
  
But today there was something else there too—  
  
Or maybe it was just his imagination—  
  
And suddenly he wasn't talking anymore, his sentence trailing off—  
  
And he locked gazes with Minsoo—  
  
And then they were kissing.   
  
Jonghyun didn't know who reached for the other first, or how, or when, and certainly not why, but he found he didn't really mind. Not when Minsoo's lips were on his, his hands cradling the back of his head and neck, not when Minsoo was so close he could feel his heat, not when his own hands were gripping the front of the other's shirt in a desperate attempt to bring him closer.   
  
But then Minsoo was pulling away and it was over, and in between his pants, Jonghyun was able to ask his favorite question.   
  
"Why?"  
  
His breath hitched in his throat as Minsoo leaned in again, but the other just rested his head in the crook of his neck, his lips skimming over the skin there.   
  
"I like you," he murmured, "You don't need an encyclopedia to figure that out."  
  
  
"Minsoo?"  
  
"Hm?"  
  
Jonghyun heard footsteps behind him and felt arms envelop him. Minsoo rested his head in his shoulder and peered at the computer screen.   
  
"I've been doing some research in love," the other grinned, "And basically all it is is the brain secreting high levels of serotonin, coupled with feelings of affection, and that's what we call love."  
  
"Wow, Jonghyun," he heard Minsoo chuckle, "Way to be romantic."  
  
"It's fascinating—"  
  
Minsoo suddenly spun him around in his chair, cutting off whatever he was about to say.   
  
"Besides, why do I even need to learn about love when I already experiencing so much of it with you?" he asked cheekily.   
  
Jonghyun flushed.   
  
"You shut up."  
  
  
"Tell me, Jonghyun."  
  
Jonghyun perked up at his words. He prepared himself to answer whatever the other was about to ask.   
  
"About the tattoos. Tell me about the tattoos."  
  
Jonghyun deflated a little. It was a subject he'd only read up on and not yet managed to experience. Not even with Minsoo.   
  
"Oh, well. You remember that time I told you about love?"  
  
Minsoo nodded.   
  
"Yeah, serotonin and affection. The not cute way of describing love."  
  
Jonghyun rolled his eyes, but was secretly pleased by the fact that he remembered.   
  
"Exactly. Once your serotonin levels hit a certain point, basically when your loved one does something that makes you realize you love them, then it triggers a certain chemical that will create the tattoo. It's a long scientific, neural process that I can't quite accurately explain."  
  
Minsoo pondered his words for a moment.   
  
"So, in short, it's just a bunch of chemicals in my brain?"  
  
"Not quite that vulgar, but yes. What else were you expecting?"  
  
"I don't know," he shrugged, "It's just that, you know, for something that's supposedly so impacting, I was hoping for something a little more magical, maybe?"  
  
"Magic doesn't exist," Jonghyun shook his head, "It's an illusion. Science isn't."  
  
Minsoo nudged him.   
  
"Oh, come on, you can't tell me you don't believe at least a little bit in magic. You can't spend your entire life with just hard facts. There's gotta be room for fantasy, for the illogical, for the surreal. For the questions that have no answers."  
  
Jonghyun didn't say anything, but as he leaned back into a beaming Minsoo, he couldn't help but think that maybe if he was around he didn't need hard facts. If Minsoo was around, maybe he did believe in magic.   
  
Because he himself couldn't even begin to explain exactly how the other made him feel.   
  
  
As night fell, Jonghyun settled into his evening routine. He'd been wondering, ever since he met Minsoo all those months ago, ever since they'd started dating, how was he going to get his tattoo? So far, neither Jonghyun nor Minsoo had gotten them yet, not that it bothered either of them that much. But still, he wondered.   
  
He was sure what he felt for Minsoo was love. He'd read enough papers and romance novels to know that the way his knees went weak at his touch, the way a smile crept onto his face at his thought, the way his heart beat faster when they were together, all those feelings were attributed to love. So he was puzzled by the fact that his skin was still unmarked.   
  
He did his research, in true Choi Jonghyun fashion. What it told him was that while the majority of people received their tattoo in the presence of their significant other, some people's tattoo creation got triggered by memories and the subsequent wave of affection that came with them.   
  
So that was what Jonghyun was aiming to accomplish. He was using science. If the tattoo refused to show up on his skin, well, then he would force it to come. And that was what he attempted to do now every night.   
  
He reserved a small time frame where he would do nothing but focus on Minsoo, on thoughts of him, and he tried to condense all his feelings and memories into one big ball of love that would hopefully, hypothetically, activate the reaction.  
  
So far it hadn't worked, but Jonghyun had faith. Maybe tonight was the night.   
  
  
Tonight was the night.   
  
Jonghyun had been trying for a while now, focusing on creating this ball of love inside of him fed by memories and tenderness, but the time he'd put aside for this was almost up.   
  
He was about to sigh and turn over when a thought crossed his mind.   
  
A thought that reminded him of Minsoo every time Jonghyun started talking about something he'd discovered. His mind brought forth a picture of Minsoo during those times, his face one of amusement, yes, but also of rapt attention and interest and caring and adoration. A face that showed he was listening, actually listening, no matter how many times Jonghyun went off on a tangent.   
  
And it warmed his heart. And his skin.   
  
His eyes flew open. He rolled off his bed in his haste and fell to the ground in a heap of blankets. He was quick to pull them away from his body, but not quick enough. He yanked down the sleeve of his shirt to expose his collarbone, but it was over. The lines of his tattoo, Minsoo's tattoo, had finished drawing themselves, and all that was left was a light glow that soon disappeared.   
  
Inside, of course, he was thrilled. But at the same time, he was the tiniest bit disappointed by the fact that he had missed it.   
  
  
When he told Minsoo, the other broke into a grin so bright it dazed him. He insisted on seeing it right away, and waited with barely contained excitement as Jonghyun pulled his shirt over his head. And when he did see it, his eyes went wide with amazement and he launched himself at Jonghyun, pressing his lips against his collarbone and sending the other into a fit of giggles.   
  
"But why haven't I gotten mine yet?" he murmured against his neck, "I know I'm in love with you."  
  
"It might just be a delayed reaction. A certain percentage of people have had that happen," Jonghyun whispered back, "You can do what I did, if you want."  
  
"Nope, I want it to be natural. No forcing it, no science behind it, I want it to be like magic."  
  
Jonghyun huffed.   
  
"Are you seriously against the way I did it? Look how happy it made you."  
  
"No. I'm not against it, but that was you. You can do it your way, but I'm doing it mine."  
  
  
It happened a few weeks later, on a day when they decided to be lazy and stay in.   
  
They were in bed, Minsoo's bare back facing Jonghyun as he taught the former about constellations. He was speaking softly in the quietness of the afternoon, his finger tracing the figures of stars across the expanse of his back. Minsoo made a noise every now and then, to tell Jonghyun he was still listening, not that Jonghyun would even think otherwise.   
  
He was taking a break from talking, instead just letting his hand lightly glide over the skin, when it happened.   
  
Right where his hand paused, the skin grew warm.   
  
"Minsoo?"  
  
"Hm?"  
  
It was a sound of acknowledgement, but also of slight discomfort and surprise. Jonghyun couldn't even say another word, just watched with wide, focused eyes as lines of ink appeared on the skin, overlapping each other and curving this way and that to form an exact replica of the tattoo on his own ankle. He watched as the lines grew thinner until they stopped, and the glow surrounding the ink slowly faded.   
  
"Did I just get a tattoo?" Minsoo finally spoke up quietly.   
  
"Yup."  
  
Jonghyun was amazed. How lucky was he. Witnessing the formation of a tattoo was an incredibly rare event. The few that had described it as beautiful and enchanting, and a mesmerizing phenomenon that they had the privilege of experiencing. And the fact that he was now one of the few made him giddy with happiness.    
  
"So are you finally satisfied?" Minsoo asked, turning onto his back to look at him, a smile on his lips.   
  
"Well, yes," Jonghyun climbed on top of him, "I've finally seen the answer to my biggest question. But the fact that this," he traced the still warm skin with his finger, "is because of me, just makes it infinitely more amazing."


	4. CHUNIEL (Chunji x Niel)

_“Maybe we shouldn’t do this anymore.”_

_“Do what?”_

_“See each other. It’s just not working out.”_

_“You’re breaking up with me?”_

_“Look, I love you, Niel, I really do. But I can’t take this anymore.”_

_“But I love you. You know I love you-”_

_“Do you really? Because I’ve waited so long, yet I still can’t tell. And I don’t want to wait any longer, because I know there’s someone out there who truly does.”_

 

Niel was different. People liked to call him strange. He couldn’t receive tattoos. His skin was still as unmarked as the day he was born. And he hated it.

He watched people walk by him every day, and he had made it a habit to find their tattoos. Some were visible, some were not. But even when they didn’t show, he knew that they were marked somewhere, someplace on their body, that love had reached them and painted their skin.

Niel was jealous. How many times had people pushed him away, broken up with him, because he had never managed to display his love?

Tattoos were important. They were a physical, beautiful way to say “I love you”. And Niel couldn’t.

It caused misunderstandings. People thought he was heartless, a player. Girls and guys alike walked around sporting his tattoo, yet he couldn’t show anything of theirs. Some people made it into a game. Bets were made and stakes were raised. Who would be the first to win his heart?

But everyone who tried left disappointed, and Niel found himself more and more desperate as time went on. Because even if his skin stayed intact, his heart didn’t.

He could only give and not show. And that was why people kept leaving.

 

The first time Chanhee asked him out, Niel was convinced it was a joke.

“Hi, I’m Chanhee.”

Niel looked up from his lunch and widened his eyes at the man standing in front of him. He was handsome, so handsome, pretty even.

“Can I sit here?” he gestured to the empty seat in front of him.

“Uh, sure, I guess,” Niel moved his things.

The boy sat down.

“So, what’s your name?” Chanhee flashed him a charming smile.

Niel was starting to get suspicious.

“I’m Niel,” he replied curtly, looking back down at his food.

No way would he fall for another one of their games. But if he had looked, he would have noticed Chanhee’s bright smile falter.

Niel silently stared down at his plate. He half-heartedly answered Chanhee’s attempt at conversation, but inside, he was fuming. The more he tried to talk, the angrier he got. The boy was really not giving up.

He finished his lunch quickly, eager to get away.

“Well, it was nice meeting you,” he nodded in Chanhee’s direction, tucking his books under his arm and turning to walk away.

“Wait!”

He felt a hand grab his arm and froze. He slowly turned his hand to stare at Chanhee.

“Look, I’m sorry if I did something wrong or if we got off on a bit of a wrong foot, but I just came over here because you’re kind of really cute and I wanted to ask you out,” he said in one quick breath.

Niel stared at him for a few seconds before scoffing and shaking off his hand. The hopeful smile slipped off Chanhee’s face.

“I knew it,” he barked out a laugh, “Listen, I’m sorry you wasted your lunchtime, but seriously, don’t waste your money.”

“What?” Chanhee looked confused.

“Tell me, how much is the bet this time? Forty? Fifty?” Niel seethed.

“I don’t-”

“You’ve been had. You’re never getting that money back.”

Niel rolled his eyes at the other’s bewildered expression and spun on his heel, his hands clenched into fists. He stormed off, needing to get away. He pushed through the cafeteria doors and stalked off through the courtyard.

“Wait! Niel, wait up!”

He heard footsteps pounding behind him, and his heart broke a little more. He straightened his back and turned. Chanhee came to a stop in front of him, panting.

“I don’t know-” he wheezed, “I don’t understand what you were talking about back there, but I sincerely think you’re cute.”

Niel eyed him warily.

“You weren’t joking? So this isn’t a bet?”

Chanhee smiled at him.

“Of course not,” he stuck out a hand, “Why don’t we start over? I’m Chanhee, and I was wondering if you would like to grab a coffee after class?”

Niel stared for a second before taking his hand.

“I’m Niel, and I would love to.”

 

One date turned into two, and then into three, and soon Niel couldn’t keep count anymore. And he was happy. Truly, honestly happy because Chanhee was the best.

He was sweet and considerate, and made Niel want to smile all the time. He was also incredibly stupid and clumsy, but it only made Niel love him more. The thought scared him.

Because what if it was all still a game? What if Chanhee wasn’t sincere? And it was stupid, because why would he stay dedicated for so long? But he still couldn’t help but be worried.

“Are you doing this for the money?”

Niel asked him that question more times than he could remember. Every time, Chanhee had looked at him with the same bewildered smile he had that first day. And eventually, Niel stopped asking. But the thought still gnawed at the back of his mind, a whisper of uncertainty that never seemed to go away.

 

“Come over tomorrow. Dress casual.”

Niel glanced down at the text. A smile lit up his face as he typed back a response. That was another thing he liked about Chanhee. He was straightforward and direct, he knew what he wanted.

“Maybe that’s why he’s still with you after so long,” something whispered in the back of his mind, “He’s still not giving up on the bet.”

Niel frowned to himself.

“It’s been six months. Nobody ever lasted this long.”

His phone beeped in his hand.

“See you then. Love you! <3”

His uneasiness floated away.

 

Niel knocked on the door of Chanhee’s apartment and stuffed his hands in his pockets. He could hear the other’s footsteps padding towards the door and opening it. A smile spread across his face as he caught sight of Chanhee wearing an apron and covered in food.

“Hey, don’t laugh. I’m doing this for you,” Chanhee pointed his spatula at him.

“Happy anniversary, Chanhee,” Niel stepped through the doorway and smiled at him.

“Happy anniversary,” he echoed, planting a kiss on his cheek.

He pulled Niel into the kitchen and gestured widely at the table, where a feast had been laid out.

“Oh my god,” Niel’s jaw dropped, “You did all this for me?”

“For us,” Chanhee side-hugged him, “Now come eat.”

 

After dinner, Chanhee pulled Niel into his bedroom.

“I know I told you to not buy me a gift, but I do have something for you.”

Niel stared at him. Chanhee was blushing slightly and shuffling his feet, avoiding his gaze.

“You should have told me then,” Niel said softly, “I would have gotten you something too.”

Chanhee shook his head.

“I don’t want anything. Just you is enough.”

Niel flushed at his words.

“Besides,” he bit his lip, “My gift isn’t material, it’s… it’s just something I want to show you.”

Niel nodded. Chanhee pulled him to the bed and sat them both down. He could see how nervous the older was, so he grabbed his hand and laced their fingers together.

“I really wanted to show you earlier, but I guess I wanted to surprise you on a special day,” Chanhee was looking down at his feet.

He took a deep breath and smiled uncertainly at Niel. He tugged at the hem of his shirt.

“I wanted to show you when I first got it, but I was scared it would freak you out. But it’s been six months, so I think now is a good time,” he pulled the shirt over his head, “I have your tattoo.”

He threw the fabric onto the bed and shivered a bit at the cold air. He watched Niel, gauging his reaction.

“Chanhee…” he held his breath, “You look beautiful.”

He gasped as he felt Niel’s fingers reach out and lightly trace the ink across his torso.

“Do you… Do you like it?” he whispered.

“I think it’s perfect,” Niel murmured back.

He let him trace the shapes he had already memorized some time ago, and just watched the look of wonder on the other’s face.

“I love you,” he spoke up.

Niel’s head snapped up.

“I mean, I guess this,” he gestured to himself, “Already says that.”

He leaned forward and felt Niel’s breath ghost over his lips.

“I love you,” he whispered, closing the distance between them.

Niel leaned into his kiss, running the tip of his tongue over his bottom lip. Chanhee smiled and gripped his waist.

“I love you, too,” he murmured against his mouth.

Chanhee pulled away, lips stretching out into a smile.

“Does that mean you have my tattoo, too?” he grinned hopefully.

The edges of his mouth curled downwards as the other scooted away from him.

“Niel, what-”

His eyes widened a bit when he noticed the boy hanging his head.

“Chanhee, I have to tell you something.”

Chanhee crawled over to him.

“Niel, what’s wrong?”

He wrung his hands.

“It’s not easy for me to say this.”

“You’re not breaking up with me, are you?”

Niel shook his head furiously.

“No, no,” he cleared his throat, “If anything, you’d probably break up with me.”

“Don’t be silly,” Chanhee grabbed his hand, “What’s bothering you?”

Niel stayed quiet for a while, trying to gather his words.

"Chanhee, I have to tell you the truth,” he took a deep breath, “I don’t have your tattoo, and I… never will.”

The other looked back at him in confusion, his eyes showing a little hurt.

“It’s not that I don’t love you,” he rushed to correct himself, “I love you, I do, you have to believe me.”

“So why don’t you have my tattoo?” Chanhee asked quietly.

“I, I can’t,” he said frustatedly, “I want it, more than anything, but I can’t. I’m different.”

Chanhee stayed quiet, but he didn’t let go of his hand.

“It’s rare, what I have. Like a birth defect. It’s not physically, biologically, possible for me to receive tattoos.”

Niel turned to him.

“Chanhee, please believe me. I love you, more than anything. But I can’t show it,” his voice cracked, “I don’t know what I would do if you didn’t believe me.”

He wiped at his eyes.

“Chanhee, please don’t break up with me.”

He was on the verge of tears. Chanhee looked at him in surprise.

“Why would I do that?”

“Everyone else did.”

Chanhee sighed and wrapped his arms around the other’s frame. He pulled him down and laid them both on the pillows.

“Do you really think I need a tattoo to show me something I already know? A mark on your skin doesn’t tell me you love me,” Chanhee kissed his cheek, “I see it in the way you look at me, in the special smile you reserve just for me. I can feel it in the way you kiss me, the way you hold me. A few colors on your skin won’t change that.”

“But I want people to know, I want people to see it.”

Chanhee’s lips ghosted over his jaw.

“I know, and I see it,” he murmured, “Isn’t that enough?”

And maybe, it was.

 

“I want to try something.”

“Hm?”

Niel looked up from his book and tilted his head quizzically at the markers and pens that Chanhee was holding.

“What exactly are you going to do?”

“Just take off your shirt and lie down.”

Niel frowned but obeyed. He bookmarked his page and laid down on his stomach. He heard the clatter of pens on the coffee table and let out a little sound of protest when Chanhee sat down on his thighs.

“Just let me try this.”

He heard the other fumble around and uncap a marker. He shifted on his thighs and sighed in contemplation.

“Your skin is so perfect,” he murmured, “I can mark it any way I want.”

He put the tip of the marker to his back. Niel jumped slightly at the feeling and giggled a bit when Chanhee dragged it across his skin.

“Stay still,” he whined, “That line’s all crooked now.”

Niel nodded and braced himself. Chanhee picked up different pens and markers, drawing foreign patterns across his skin. Niel twisted his head to look at the other. He smiled at the sight of him furrowing his brows in concentration.

“What are you drawing?” he asked quietly.

“You’ll see,” Chanhee smiled at him, before continuing.

 

“Okay, and done!” he heard Chanhee exclaim.

He clambered off Niel’s legs and smiled down at him.

“Get up and take a look.”

Niel painstakingly pushed himself up and stood up on numb legs. He wobbled over to the mirror, where Chanhee was waiting. He looked a little nervous, smiling shyly at him.

“I know it’s not perfect or anything, but I tried.”

He took him by the shoulders and spun him around. Niel turned his head to look into the mirror.

Chanhee had attempted to recopy his own tattoo on his back. It was big and disproportionate, the colors hardly as vibrant as the ones on his ankle. Niel could see where the lines ran crooked, where the color had smudged when he accidentally dragged his hand across the wet ink, where the lines turned thick to cover up mistakes. It was a disaster, but Niel thought it was perfect.

“Thanks, Chanhee,” Niel shot him a bright smile, “I love it.”

The older ducked his head, his face red.

“It’ll wash off in the shower,” he mumbled, “But I could always redraw it for you, if you ever want me to.”

Niel opened his arms and enveloped him when he stepped forward.

“You know I still love you, right? Even if you don’t have my tattoo,” Chanhee said into his shoulder.

“I know.”

Chanhee told him all the time, reassuring him, comforting him. And maybe, just maybe, Niel was starting to believe it too.


	5. RICKJOE (Ricky x L.Joe)

Changhyun bounced on his heels as he waited in line. He clutched a banner in one hand and an album in the other. His heart raced as he craned his neck, trying to see the front. The line seemed endless.

He sighed in frustration. It seemed like he would never reach the front. The person in front of him took a step forward and Ricky stumbled into place, almost falling flush against her back. He was too excited. He couldn't stay still.

After months of working odd jobs, he'd finally been able to save up enough money, just in time for the event. The concert was later in the evening, and now Changhyun was waiting in line for the fan sign.

“Oh my god,” he took another step forward, “I'm gonna meet L.Joe.”

Changhyun watched as the line dwindled down and the butterflies in his stomach fluttered restlessly as the girl in front of him knelt in front of the table, placing her poster on top. He lifted his eyes away from her hands and up to the man sitting in front of her. His breath caught.

He'd watched many interviews and countless videos, yet he still wasn't prepared. The man was so handsome, beautiful even. He smiled at the girl as he signed her poster, his fringe flopping into his eyes. He waved goodbye to her and Changhyun's heartbeat picked up. He was next.

The security guard ushered him up the stairs. Changhyun almost stumbled and he reddened in embarrassment. He kneeled down in front of the table, his eyes down, half from mortification and half from nervousness.

“Hey,” a voice quipped, “I'm L.Joe. What's your name?”

Changhyun looked up shyly. His heart almost stopped when he locked eyes with the idol. He was watching him with a small smile on his face. He wasn't even signing his banner yet, instead just focusing on him.

“I'm Changhyun,” he squeaked out.

L.Joe chuckled and picked up his marker. He uncapped it but didn't sign.

“Did you wait a long time?”

Changhyun was surprised by the question. He cleared his throat.

“Yes, but it was my fault. I missed my bus. I didn't want to miss the event, so I ran here.”

“You ran here?” L.Joe asked incredulously.

“I've been waiting for this for months. I finally saved up enough money to come so I didn't want to miss it.”

He blushed and looked down at his hands folded on the table.

“You're my favorite artist.”

L.Joe grinned.

“Yeah?”

Changhyun nodded. L.Joe leaned towards him. The security guard coughed. They both looked up.

“Time's almost up. Gotta keep the line moving.”

L.Joe nodded, lifting his index to signal one minute.

“What's your favorite song from me?”

He looked genuinely curious.

“Um... I like all of your songs. But one of my favorites is At First Sight. I think it was the first song I ever heard from you.”

“That's one of my favorites, too,” L.Joe smiled at him.

The security guard cleared his throat. He was already ushering another fan up the stairs. He motioned for them to hurry up.

“Thank you for coming, Changhyun. Hopefully I'll see you later at the concert.”

He hastily signed the banner before sliding it back to him.

Changhyun stood up and tucked the rolled up banner under his arm. Before he lost his nerve, he lifted his hands and made a heart with his hands. L.Joe laughed and lifted his fingers, sending one back. Changhyun almost squealed. He waved to him and stepped off the stage, giddy.

He unrolled his banner to look at the signature. He smiled widely when he read the words scrawled along the bottom.

“To Changhyun, my biggest fan. I love you!”

 

Later that night, L.Joe performed At First Sight.

“We had an opening for another song. This one is dedicated to a very special fan who came out to see me today, hopefully you know who you are.”

Changhyun's breath hitched as the opening chords started to sound. He recognized the familiar bass line, the melody.

L.Joe scanned the crowd as he started to sing and caught sight of Changhyun a few rows back. He winked. A few girls screamed but Changhyun was frozen. Could L.Joe have been referring to him?

“Come on, everybody sing along,” he coaxed the audience, but he kept his eyes trained on Changhyun.

Once the chorus started, Changhyun finally snapped out of it. He grinned and started to sing along, as loud as he could.

L.Joe moved around the stage, singing to different parts of the audience. But he always circled back to Changhyun. He almost felt like he was singing to him alone.

 

“Hey Changhyun. Did you see this already?”

“Hmm?”

Changhyun rubbed at his eyes sleepily. He yawned as he walked out of his room. He plopped himself down onto the couch, where his roommate Niel was sitting.

“Looks like L.Joe has a new tattoo.”

Changhyun blinked.

“What?”

“Yeah, take a look.”

Niel turned his computer over to him. He pointed to the headline.

“Did famous pop star L.Joe find the love of his life?”

Changhyun read it with wide eyes. He scrolled down the page.

“Last night, the teenage heartthrob made many girls swoon with his comeback concert. But it seems as if the fans weren't the only ones left starry-eyed.

L.Joe was spotted this morning at the airport, heading overseas for a short tour. It looks like he tried to conceal it, but it wasn't hidden well enough. A few lucky fans managed to snap a photo.”

Underneath was a picture of L.Joe strolling through the airport. He was wearing a long-sleeved shirt, but the fans had managed to snap a picture of him with his sleeve rolled up. On his forearm was a tattoo.

“This tattoo is definitely new. When L.Joe embarked on his summer tour earlier this year, his arm wasn’t marked.

Who is the special person who caught this pop star's eye?”

Changhyun scrolled back up to the picture. He could kind of make out the shape, but the details were a little blurry. He zoomed it in, but it made the picture all pixelated. He squinted.

“Niel? Does that look like...?”

Niel leaned in too.

“It looks a little familiar…”

They looked at each other. Realization seemed to hit them both at the same time. Niel reached for Changhyun's pant leg and yanked it up. They stared at the tattoo on his ankle.

They looked back and forth between Changhyun's ankle and the picture. 

“No way,” Niel broke the silence, “L.Joe's in love with you.”

Changhyun struggled to shut his mouth as it had been hanging open, and rolled back down his pant leg, shaking his head reverently.

“It might just look similar. It's probably not even mine at all.”

Niel raised his eyebrows.

“Didn't you tell me that he performed At First Sight last night? You favorite song that you personally requested from him? And weren't you just telling me that he was watching you almost the whole time?”

“Yeah, but maybe that was the delusional fan in me talking. It's probably just a coincidence,” he babbled.

Niel sighed and placed his laptop on the coffee table.

“Think what you want. I think it's yours. It'd make sense. Plus, shouldn't you be happy about this right now? Don't you have the biggest crush on him?”

Changhyun flushed. He couldn't deny that he did, and maybe felt a little more. He often called L.Joe his ray of sunshine, because the idol could light up his entire day with just a smile. But could it be the same for him? He stared at the picture.

“Maybe.”

 

“Come on! You have to meet him again.”

Changhyun groaned and slammed his head on the table.

“I already told you guys. I can't afford it. Plus it might now even be mine.”

Chanhee scoffed.

“Stop denying it. You know it's yours.”

The five of them had met up for dinner and Niel just couldn't help blurting out Changhyun's dilemma. Minsoo and Changjo had looked on amused as Chanhee and Niel cooed over their little baby growing up. Changhyun hid in his hands, mortified.

“You are going to his next fan sign.”

Changhyun sighed.

“I can try.”

 

“Hi.”

L.Joe looked up and dropped his pen. He seemed shocked to see him.

“Changhyun?”

Changhyun smiled at his surprised expression and his heart fluttered. He still remembered him.

“You remember me?”

“Of course. I mean, how could I not?” L.Joe grinned.

Changhyun's gaze flitted down to his arm, but it was covered. He deflated a little bit. No way to tell.

L.Joe noticed his gaze. He glanced down and realization hit him. He looked back up and they locked gazes. Changhyun imagined he was looking back with curiosity, but in L.Joe's eyes he could see a little bit of worry and fear.

“Do you want to talk after?” he whispered lowly.

L.Joe nodded.

“Wait outside the venue for me.”

Changhyun moved away from the table. Under L.Joe's worried gaze, he lifted his hand to wave and shot him a small smile. L.Joe's face softened and he looked relieved.

 

Changhyun sat on the curb as he waited. What was he going to say? What could he say? He puffed his cheeks.

What if it wasn't even his? His heart dropped.

He was in the middle of reassuring himself when the footsteps stopped next to him. He looked up, startled. L.Joe stood over him, hardly recognizable. He had changed into different clothes, a little more inconspicuous. He was wrapped in his jacket and had a hat pulled over his face.

“Hey.”

Changhyun scrambled to his feet. His heart beat faster now that it was just the two of them. He smiled shyly.

“Hi.”

L.Joe shuffled his feet.

“Um, if you still want to talk, I know a good café a few blocks from here.”

Changhyun nodded.

“Okay.”

They walked quietly side by side. Nobody recognized the idol, so he slowly sidled up closer to Changhyun. He brushed his hand tentatively against his. L.Joe bit his lip and suppressed a grin when the other didn’t pull away.

Once they got to the café, Changhyun went up and ordered them coffees. He picked up the steaming cups and joined L.Joe at the table.

“Thanks,” L.Joe wrapped his fingers around his mug, “So I guess you heard the news.”

“Yeah.”

Changhyun blushed, he still couldn't believe it.

“Can I... Can I see it?”

L.Joe hesitantly reached out his arm, and pulled up the sleeve. He placed it in front of Changhyun.

He reached out with shaky fingers, and traced the outline of the tattoo, identical to the ones on his own ankle. L.Joe shivered at his touch.

“Are you mad?”

Changhyun looked up, surprised.

“Of course I'm not mad. Surprised, yes. This definitely wasn't something I was expecting.”

L.Joe sighed.

“Changhyun, I’m really sorry about everything. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen and I know it’s only a matter of time before the fans find out who this tattoo belongs to and the hate begins.”

Changhyun cut him off before he could continue.

“Look, L.Joe-”

“You can call me Byunghun.”

“Okay,” Changhyun blushed, “Uh, Byunghun, you don’t have to worry about that. I definitely don’t consider this a bad thing, so there’s no need to apologize.”

He stared down at his coffee.

“I really like you a lot,” his cheeks turned pink, “And you obviously like me too. W-we can give it a try. Date and stuff, I mean, if you want to, of course.”

“You know what, I think I’d like that,” Byunghun grinned at him.

 

“I miss doing this.”

“Doing what?”

“Just… nothing. Looking at the stars,” Byunghun gazed up at the night sky, “Sometimes you get so busy you forget about the simple little pleasures in life.”

Changhyun looked at him fondly. He’d finally taken off his hat, thanks to Changhyun’s urging.

“Come on, it’s the middle of the night,” he’d said, “There’s no one here. Plus, I want to see your face.”

They sat together on a park bench, their shoulders pressed together. They leaned their heads back, pointing out constellations. At some point, Byunghun had mustered up enough courage to take the other’s hand, lacing their fingers together.

Beside him, Byunghun yawned.

“Tired?”

“A little.”

He blinked blearily.

“Here,” Changhyun patted his shoulder, “Lean on me.”

“But-”

“Come on,” he pulled him closer, “Just rest for a little bit.”

Byunghun didn’t argue. He leaned his head on the other’s shoulder and sighed, relaxing. Changhyun knew he was the one who offered, but he couldn’t help but inhale sharply when he felt the other’s breath hit his neck.

“I’m really glad I met you,” he heard the other whisper quietly.

Changhyun was sure his face would never revert back to its normal color.

He turned his head to look at Byunghun. The other had closed his eyes and his mouth fell open slightly as he dozed off.

“Same here,” he murmured, even though he knew he wouldn’t hear.

His eyes roamed over the other’s face. He had washed off all the makeup, yet Changhyun thought he looked more beautiful than ever. He could see the dark circles and the blemishes, but he looked real. Not like an idol, but someone Changhyun could see himself spending the rest of his life with.

Under his sleeve, where their wrists touched, his skin warmed.

 

“So, L.Joe, the fans have heard the news, but I’m sure they would want to hear your side of the story as well.”

Byunghun swallowed nervously. Beside him, Changhyun squeezed his henad reassuringly.

“The news is true. I am not renewing my contract for next year. My last song will be released in a week and after that I will be retiring from idol life.”

“Is there a reason behind your decision?”

Byunghun took a deep breath.

“I think that my journey in this idol life is over. I’ve had a great time making music for all my fans, and I’ve spent a great deal of time thinking about my decision, but ultimately, I think it’s my time to move on.

I know this may come across as a little cliché, but the biggest reason is because of Changhyun. Dating and all that is something we could have done when I was an idol, but it’s not what we, what I, wanted.”

“I know that must have been a hard decision to make,” the interviewer sympathized, “Why don’t you tell us about your relationship and how everything started?”

“Our meeting was kind of like a fairy tale, when you think about it,” Changhyun laughed, “I met Byunghun at a fansign and, I don’t know, I guess we had a connection?”

“I originally wanted to hide the tattoo, maybe get it removed, but the news spread before I could. I was afraid, afraid of the fans’ reactions, of Changhyun’s reaction. But everything worked out fine in the end.”

“Could you show us?”

“Of course.”

They both held out their arms as the camera panned in. Even months after receiving them, Byunghun still couldn’t help but smile when he saw his own tattoo printed on the other’s arm.

“They’re quite beautiful,” the camera zoomed out, “What exactly made you decide to reveal your relationship to the public?”

“It took us months to stop hesitating and just come out with it. People would have started to notice sooner or later, so why wait?” Changhyun leaned forward, “I was very scared, to tell the truth. All these thoughts just kept running through my mind. What if they don’t accept us? What if Byunghun’s career falls apart because of me? But he reassured me and gave me strength, and I’m really glad he did, because we don’t have to hide anymore. And the fans have showed us endless support.”

“Could you tell us about any plans you may have for the future?”

“Well, nothing really big. Our song releases next week, so please look out for that. We wrote and composed the song ourselves, so every word comes from the heart. We hope you like it as much as we do. And after that, well, we’re not quite sure yet,” Changhyun shrugged.

Byunghun smiled to himself as he let his mind wander to the little black velvet box sitting in the pocket of his coat. He knew inside was nestled a simple silver band. Just a little longer.

“Who knows what the future might bring us?” he smiled at Changhyun, “I just hope we’ll be living it together.”

“Well, it seems like we’re running out of time. L.Joe, a last message to your fans?”

He turned to the camera.

“First of all, thank you to everyone who has supported me throughout the years, old fans and new. I really appreciate the love you’ve all given me and I hope that I made your days a little happier.”

“And thank you for accepting me,” Changhyun said quietly, bowing his head.

Byunghun wrapped an arm around his shoulders.

“It’s been a wonderful journey and I will never forget these past few years with you. It’s time for me to step off stage and hand the microphone to someone else, and maybe,” he looked at the younger male who smiled back at him, “Start a new adventure.”

He looked at the camera, the little light blinking at him.

“So thank you again, for everything,” he stood up and bowed.

When he looked up again, the light flickered off.


	6. CAPJOE (L.Joe x CAP)

“You guys act like an old married couple.”

Byunghun paused with his fork half lifted to his mouth. Minsoo froze next to him.

“What?”

Chanhee stared at them, his eyes glinting mischievously.

“Well, think about it.”

He stabbed his fork in the air as he listed his arguments.

“You guys spend every day together.”

Byunghun rolled his eyes.

“We're best friends, what do you expect?”

“Point taken,” Chanhee chewed slowly, “You walk each other to class.”

“Our classes are always in the same direction.”

Okay, that was a little lie. He never said anything to Chanhee, because it would only bring him a lifetime or two of teasing, but he sometimes took a detour, and a rather long one at that, to see Minsoo to class.

Chanhee glared at him. He stomped on his foot under the table, as if to say "stop defending yourself."

“Okay, you guys always have 'date night'.”

“That is not 'date night',” Byunghun retorted, wincing a little, “It's 'we don't want to do homework alone night'.”

“We don't always have homework, what do you do then?”

“Watch a movie,” he shrugged.

“And then?”

“Make dinner?”

“Together?”

“Well, he tries,” Byunghun pointed at Minsoo, “Mostly he watches and tries to not accidentally lean on the stove.”

“Ah,” Chanhee smirked, “Making dinner. Very husband-ly of you.”

Minsoo choked next to him.

“What exactly are you implying?” Minsoo coughed out.

“Nothing, nothing,” Chanhee took a sip of his cup, “Just being observant.”

Byunghun raised his eyebrows.

“I’m just saying, I’m your best friend too. And you never made me food. Or do homework with me. In fact, when was the last time I even went to your house? If you ask me, there’s something suspicious—“

Byunghun shut him up by shoving a napkin into his mouth.

 

After school, Byunghun found Minsoo waiting for him at his locker, just like every Friday.

“Hey,” Minsoo smiled when he saw him, pushing off the locker.

Byunghun couldn’t help but smile too as he spun the dial of his lock.

“What are we doing tonight?”

Minsoo shrugged and stood next to him, holding things as Byunghun handed them to him.

“I don’t know, I kinda just want to be lazy tonight.”

“So just like every Friday?” Byunghun grinned.

They walked out of school and down the steps.

“I guess we’re pretty boring, huh?” Minsoo slung an arm around his shoulders.

Normally Byunghun would laugh it off, but his mind couldn’t help but flash back to Chanhee’s comment. Like an old married couple, he had said. Maybe there was some truth to it.

As per usual, they headed for Byunghun’s house, since his parents came home late and they’d have the place to themselves.

On the way, they stopped by the supermarket.

“What do you want to eat?” he asked as he grabbed a basket, “Want me to make your favorite?”

The smile Minsoo sent him was answer enough. Byunghun rolled his eyes and started down the aisle.

“I’m gonna get some ice cream. I’ll wait for you outside, okay?”

Byunghun nodded and waved him off. He strolled through the aisles, picking up what he needed. Minsoo usually craved sweets, so he picked up a pack of candy at the register. He pulled a few bills out of his wallet and paid. Grabbing the bag, he headed outside, looking around for Minsoo.

He found him, leaning against the wall with an ice cream cone in each hand. He was already working on his own, and he handed the cone in his other hand to Byunghun, taking half the bags from him. It was his favorite. Of course.

 

Minsoo headed straight for the bathroom to wash his sticky fingers as soon as Byunghun unlocked the front door. The latter crossed over to the living room where Minsoo had thrown his bag and plopped down cross-legged in front of the coffee table. H pulled out his schoolbooks and sighed at his pile of homework. He reluctantly opened his textbook and stared down at the page of equations, a pencil gripped tightly in his hand.

“Math again?”

Byunghun looked up. He nodded. Minsoo padded in, a glass of water in each hand.

“You have no more soda in the fridge,” he pouted as he sat down.

Byunghun rolled his eyes.

“I’ll make sure to buy you some next time.”

Normally they tried to help each other out with homework, but after a while of explaining and not understanding, it began to get hard. It only took Byunghun cracking a few lame science puns for them to trade books. Minsoo chuckled at the other’s dejected face and ruffled his hair.

“You’re not funny, Byunghun.”

He stuck out his tongue and pulled the other’s homework towards himself. Minsoo finished his math worksheet without much difficulty, and Byunghun breezed through his science homework without batting an eye.

They collapsed onto the couch together once they were done.

“We make a pretty good team,” Minsoo said as he reached for the remote.

Byunghun just stared straight ahead at the screen, trying not to focus on the other’s arm brushing his arm against his.

Damn Chanhee and his stupid remarks.

 

Halfway through the movie, Byunghun’s stomach growled. He could see Minsoo grinning from the corner of his eye.

“I’m gonna start making dinner,” he mumbled as he got up from the ocuch.

He padded towards the kitchen. His mind was clouding over and he needed to think.

He pulled ingredients from the grocery bag and set them on the counter. A minute later, Minsoo joined him. He sighed. So much for clearing his head.

“Why aren’t you watching the movie?”

He tried to keep his tone as light as possible as he turned to dice some vegetables.

“I’d rather watch you,” Minsoo shrugged, “My good little housewife.”

Byunghun almost chopped off his fingers. The other was by his side in a flash.

“Are you okay?” he examined his fingers, frowning, “You’re distracted today. What’s wrong?”

Byunghun watched him fret over him, wordlessly. For a second he wanted to spill everything, but he couldn’t bring himself to. So he bit his bottom lip and kept quiet.

“Nothing,” he whispered, “It’s nothing.”

He turned back to the cutting board and noticed how badly his hand was shaking.

“Can you cut instead? I’ll start working on something else,” Byunghun quickly handed him the knife.

Minsoo nodded and took it from him. He snuck worried glances at him as he flitted around the kitchen, but Byunghun didn’t meet his gaze.

Once Byunghun spooned the food onto plates, they headed back towards the living room to eat in front of the TV. Minsooo clicked play to continue the paused movie.

They ate their food quietly, eyes trained on the screen. Byunghun occasionally snuck bits of meat onto the other’s plate since he knew it was his favorite. Minsoo would grin in response.

They started a second movie once dinner was finished. Byunghun’s mind had somewhat cleared while he was chewing, so he let himself be comfortable. As he should be. At the moment, they were both lying on opposite ends of the couch, their legs overlapping and tangling together. Minsoo was laughing, he was laughing, and everything felt normal. Except, of course, for his fast-beating heart whenever Minsoo would look over at him with that stupid, bright smile of his.

 

Byunghun yawned loudly when the credits started tolling. Minsoo looked over amusedly.

“I want to sleep,” he groaned, his head flopping backwards over the armrest.

“Already? So boring.”

Minsoo was teasing, but he couldn’t help the yawn that escaped his own mouth. Byunghun chuckled.

“Sleep?”

“Sleep.”

 

They washed up together, standing side by side in front of the bathroom mirror. Minsoo smiled at him through the glass, his mouth rimmed with toothpaste foam. Byunghun tried not to laugh because he would surely splutter saliva everywhere, and elbowed him instead. That then escalated to them pushing each other around the bathroom, leaving wet handprint on each other’s clothes, lips pursed around their toothbrushes as they tried not to make a sound.

Eventually they made their way out of the bathroom, still childishly shoving each other. They stumbled their way down the hallway and into Byunghun’s room, collapsing onto the bed.

Byunghun scrambled straight into the sheets and sighed happily as he cocooned himself in his blankets. Minsoo joined him shortly after.

Minsoo used to sleep on the floor until they realized how stupid it was when there was more than enough space for him on the bed. So now they slept side by side. Most of the time they woke up connected in some way, whether it be their hands clasped under the sheets or one of their arms slung around the other. Minsoo never seemed fazed though.

As usual, the other fell asleep first, his breath evening out slowly. Byunghun, on the other hand, couldn’t sleep. He shifted gently, as to not disturb the other. After minutes of just staring into the darkness, he huffed and flipped onto his side. He came face to face with a sleeping Minsoo. His breath hitched.

His eyes adjusted to the dark. He allowed himself to scan the other’s face, studying him up close. He had to admit the other was very attractive, and he blushed immediately after thinking that.

For the first time since Chanhee’s comment, he thought about the possibility of him and Minsoo. He doubted their relationship would be much different. Still attached by the hip, still making each other dinner, still sleeping in the same bed. Although there would probably be more kissing involved.

At the thought of kissing, Byunghun’s gaze immediately shifted to the other’s lips. They were rosy pink, slightly parted as he breathed. Just tonight, Byunghun let himself imagine what it would be like if he pressed his lips to his.

As he stared, he wondered, his curiosity and his want growing by the second. And before he could stop himself, he leaned forward and kissed him. Softly, gently. He pulled away just as fast, snapping out of his daze. The other didn’t rouse. He breathed a sigh of relief. It was just a barely there touch to the lips, yet Byunghun’s lips still tingled.

Slightly horrified at what he’d done, he turned onto his other side, away from the other. That was a mistake. Oh god, what had he done?

He shut his eyes tightly, trying to ignore the tingling of his lips and the sudden heat on his back.

 

The next week at school, Byunghun was still regretting what he did. The upside was that Minsoo didn’t seem to have a clue. The downside was, well, everything else. He couldn’t stop thinking about it.

He mentally groaned as he changed for gym class, feeling sorry for himself. He was so busy wallowing in self-pity that he completely forgot about the tattoo on his back. A hand clamped down on his shoulder.

“Byunghun! Nice tattoo you got there, got your sights on someone special?”

Out of his classmates stood above him, waggling his eyebrows. Byunghun only rolled his eyes and prayed he wasn’t blushing.

“Looks kinda familiar though…” the guy scanned his back.

Byunghun pawed hastily through his bag, trying to find his shirt. He had to cover himself up before he figured it out.

The door to the locker room opened.

“Hey, Minsoo.”

Byunghun froze.

“You got any idea whose tattoo this is? It looks awfully… familiar…”

Their classmate’s eyes dropped to the other’s exposed ankle and his eyes widened.

“Oh… my god,” he exclaimed, suddenly cackling, “Byunghun has the hots for you!”

He doubled over in laughter, attracting the attention of the other guys. Byunghun still couldn’t find his damn shirt.

“Byunghun’s gay for Minsoo.”

His face burned. He dug desperately into his bag and finally, finally found his shirt. He pulled it on as fast as possible, ignoring the whistling and the jeers going on behind him. All he wanted to do was melt into the floor. He blinked back the hot tears forming and threatening to spill. This was a nightmare.

He didn’t even want to look at Minsoo. What would he see? Disgust? Hatred? Embarrassment?

A word suddenly cut through the silence.

“So?”

The laughter subsided.

“So what if he has my tattoo? What’s so wrong about liking another man? I personally don’t see anything funny about it,” Byunghun felt his gaze on his back, “If you want to laugh at him, you’ll have to mock me as well. Because I have his tattoo.”

The locker room was silent. Byunghun slowly turned his head to stare at Minsoo, whose shirt was off, proudly displaying to everyone the tattoo inked across his ribcage. Byunghun’s tattoo.

 

“Why didn’t you tell me earlier?”

They walked together after school, like always. Gym class was a little awkward, what with all their classmates whispering about them. And Byunghun couldn’t stop staring at Minsoo.

“I didn’t think you felt the same way.”

“I don’t think I really ever considered it. At least not until Chanhee, you know, made that comment.”

“About how we acted like a married couple?”

Byunghun blushed and bit his bottom lip.

“Yeah, that. That’s when I really started thinking about it. And I realized that I wanted us to be like that. I mean, like a couple.”

“Yeah?” Minsoo grabbed his hand, “Okay, let’s do it.”

Byunghun looked up in surprise. The other was smiling dumbly at him.

“Be my boyfriend.”

He blinked once, twice. A bashful smile spread slowly across his lips.

“Really?”

Minsoo laughed and faced him. And even though they were barely out of view of the school, he hugged him close and kissed the top of his head. Byunghun brought his hands up to rest on the other’s waist. He feel his heartbeat race and grinned against the crook of his neck. He was warm. Familiar.

“Yes, really.”

 

“So, is this like the honeymoon phase of your marriage, or…?”

“Shut up, Chanhee.”


	7. NIELRICK (Niel x Ricky)

There were a lot of things Niel would tell Changhyun. They were best friends after all. Niel told him about his biggest, most ridiculous and unattainable dreams, his deepest regrets, his most epic fantasies. Changhyun did the same. There were no secrets between them. At least, not until now.   
  
Niel never thought there would be a day where he would lie to Changhyun. But here he was now, eyes averted, lips dry, telling him something other than the truth. It hurt, it really did.   
  
“Don't you love anyone?” Changhyun asked, curious.   
  
“No, no one,” Niel looked away.   
  
Changhyun nudged him playfully.   
  
“Come on, I know you better than that. That's your 'I'm lying' face. Tell me.”  
  
Niel shook his head.   
  
“Why not?” Changhyun was whining now.   
  
“Because it's you,” Niel thought, “Because I'm scared. Scared of screwing up everything. Of you hating me. Of ruining our friendship. And losing you is just not worth it.”  
  
“Because there's no one.”  
  
  
Niel liked seeing Changhyun smile. It was a smile that lit up his whole face, and it warmed his heart. It made it beat faster too, but Niel would never admit that. He especially liked it when Changhyun smiled because of him. It was almost stupidly easy to achieve that.   
  
Niel made bad jokes, acted dramatically and developed a wonderful talent for storytelling, and it all made Changhyun grin. The younger was easily amused, and Niel used it to his advantage. If he couldn't tell Changhyun how he felt, then it was enough just to make him happy.   
  
  
Niel loved hearing Changhyun laugh. It was like music to his ears.   
  
Changhyun had different laughs, and they were all addicting. There was the quiet giggle that came out when he was shy, when he was blushing. There was the spluttering, mouth-distorting chortle that rang out when he tried and failed to keep from laughing. And there was Niel's favorite, the loud, no boundaries roar of laughter when he just didn't have a care in the world. That one was especially beautiful. No inhibitions, no restraints. It was just Changhyun being Changhyun. Nobody could even compare.   
  
  
Niel loved listening to Changhyun talk. It was such a trivial, unimportant thing, yet Niel found himself completely captivated. Changhyun's voice was pleasing to the ears, soothing even. He could talk about the most vile topics and Niel would still hang onto his every word.   
  
He liked how gentle, how comforting Changhyun's voice was. He liked the way his mouth rounded to form words, his lips curling as he talked. He liked how distinct his voice was, how easy it was for Niel to pick his out in a lull of voices.   
  
If he was being honest with himself, he would gladly fall into a bed of his words, and drown in his voice.   
  
  
There was something about the way Changhyun danced. Niel never understood how the other managed to be so adorable and puppy-like off stage, yet so fierce and in command in the spotlight. It was hard to believe that they were the same person.    
  
Changhyun moved like no other. Whether he was biased or not, Niel's eyes were drawn to him in every performance. He always gave it his all, his body lithe, his expression piercing, his eyebrow cocked.   
  
Changhyun was a beast on stage, and it took his breath away.   
  
  
Niel couldn't exactly pinpoint the precise moment he fell in love with Changhyun. He supposed it was a continuous series of events, culminating in the tattoo on his skin.   
  
Maybe it was the way Changhyun talked to him the first day they met, all smiles and warm greetings. Maybe it was in the discovery of how lame he actually was. Maybe it was the way Changhyun looked at him so shyly when he first admitted he wanted to be a dancer. Perhaps it was in the flow of his limbs when he danced for him.   
  
Perhaps it was this. Maybe it was that. Niel had a never ending list of possible reasons.   
  
It might have been easier to resist if Changhyun didn't act like the angel he was. Falling in love with him was as easy as breathing. It was effortless.   
  
  
Niel loved the way Changhyun made him feel.    
  
He loved how happy Changhyun made him.   
  
Loved his sweet smiles, secretive and innocent all at once.   
  
His voice, that protected him, joked with him, warmed him.   
  
Everything.   
  
He loved Changhyun.    
  
And it was killing him.   
  
  
“It might be easier for you if you just told him. You know, get it over with. You're just torturing yourself at this point, give yourself a chance to get over him.”  
  
Niel glared at Byunghun.   
  
“You know it's not that easy. As far as I can see, there are three possible outcomes.”  
  
He held up three fingers, ticking them off as he went.   
  
“First, Changhyun would probably ignore me forever. He'd most likely cut off all contact with me and refuse to talk to, let alone be friends with me.”  
  
“Changhyun's an angel. I should know, you remind me all the time,” Byunghun muttered under his breath, “Do you really think he'd end your friendship over something like that?”  
  
Niel stared down, biting his lip.   
  
“Do you know how hard it is to stay friends with someone, knowing that they think of you like that? Sure, he can act and pretend like nothing ever happened, but then he'll look at me and realize that the way I'm looking back at him isn't normal. I'm looking at him like he's the sun, drinking him up like a man gone insane from thirst and he's the fresh spring offering sweet relief. I'm looking at him like he's my whole world, and to him, I'm nothing more than a friend.  
  
And you know how hard it would be for me? In his eyes, all I would see would be pity and apologies.”  
  
There was a pause as Niel drew in a ragged breath.   
  
“You look at Changhyun like he's your world?”  
  
Niel smiled weakly.  
  
“Maybe universe is more accurate. I feel like I literally shoot hearts out of my eyes when I see him.”  
  
“So you got it bad.”  
  
It was a statement, not a question. Niel nodded.   
  
“I've dug myself into a hole I can't climb out of.”  
  
“Again, why not tell him? It might provide you with a boost out of the hole.”  
  
Byunghun smiled slightly, playing along with his metaphor.   
  
“Three possible outcomes, remember? Second one hurts just as much as the first.”  
  
“And what is it?”  
  
“He could ignore it. He could pretend like it never happened. We could go on just like before, nothing lost, nothing gained.”  
  
“And they're both equally painful how?”  
  
“Isn't it obvious? The feelings aren't mutual. In both cases. I'm sure you know what it's like, liking someone who doesn't like you back. It's torture. Because you know that one day, they'll fall for someone and leave you behind, still struggling to get over your one-sided love.”  
  
“You can get over him, Niel. You can try, and I believe that you will succeed,” Byunghun said softly.   
  
“It's not that easy. It will never be easy.”  
  
“I can't stand seeing you like this,” the other shook his head, “What's the third  possible outcome?”  
  
“It's the most positive, and the most unlikely. It's the one I want to happen, and the one I know is impossible.”  
  
He smiled sadly, dreamily.   
  
“Changhyun could tell me he loves me. He can tell me he feels the same way. We would work things out, him and I, and we could be happy. I could make him so happy, Byunghun. Give him all the happiness he deserves.”  
  
“I believe you. I know that you could.”  
  
He had nothing else to say. Niel was quiet, and when he spoke again, his voice was soft.   
  
“Byunghun?”  
  
“Hm?”  
  
“I need you to tell me the truth. Be honest. Spare me all the lies people feed me to keep me happy. Don't tell me there's something when there isn't.”  
  
Niel looked up.   
  
“Is there any inkling of romantic love in his eyes, no matter how minuscule, when he looks at me, when he hears my name? Is there any hint, anything at all, that might indicate something other than fraternity?”  
  
His bottom lip quivered.   
  
“Do I have even the smallest of chances?”  
  
Byunghun stared back at him, his eyes flinching. He looked hesitant, and that gave Niel all the answers he needed. He didn't even need to open his mouth. Though that didn't mean he had nothing to say.   
  
“I'm sorry, Niel.”  
  
  
Niel watched Changhyun fall in love. He knew it the moment the younger stumbled into his room, a dumb smile plastered on his face. He knew, yet he still couldn't stop himself from asking, the answer already obvious.   
  
“What's with you today?” Niel asked, forcing his tone to be light.   
  
Changhyun said nothing for a minute, and only continued to roll around on Niel's bed, squealing.   
  
“I'm so happy,” he finally managed to say.   
  
Normally Niel would be thrilled to hear those words, but this time it was not because of him. So he was more than a little wary.   
  
“Oh? And why is that?” he tried hard to lift his lips into a smile.   
  
Changhyun flipped onto his stomach and he looked at him, his eyes twinkling. And Niel's heart broke.   
  
And he didn't want to hear what Changhyun wanted to say, because it would shatter him, would kill him, but there was nowhere for him to run, nowhere to hide, no way to get him to stop, so he couldn't do anything but listen helplessly. And Changhyun had a lot to say.   
  
“This amazing guy came into dance class today. I still can't really believe he's real.”  
  
“Oh yeah?” Niel replies meekly.   
  
“Yeah,” Changhyun sighed blissfully, before his head shot up again, “Oh my god, Niel, he did this move, right? It was the best thing I have ever seen...”  
  
Changhyun launched into a passionate description of this guy's supposedly spectacular move, using hand gestures to really get his point across. Usually Niel would be hanging into his every word, but at this particular moment, all he could think about was how not spectacular this guy's move sounded and how he could probably do better. Probably.   
  
“And he says he's into music composition...”  
  
So was Niel.   
  
“And he was so sweet to me, explaining terms when I didn't understand...”  
  
So does he.   
  
“And, god, I must have looked like such an idiot, but all he did was laugh and tell me I was cute...”  
  
So does he.   
  
Changhyun continued to blabber on and on, no longer in need of coaxing.   
  
“He's smart...”  
  
So was he.   
  
“He's funny...”  
  
So was he.   
  
“He's witty...”  
  
So was he.   
  
So was he.   
  
_So was he._  
  
So why wasn't it him that Changhyun was falling in love with? Why wasn't it him that Changhyun was gushing about? Why not him? Why was Changhyun's heart swelling and glowing with happiness, when his own was splintering into pieces?  
  
His tattoo burned.   
  
  
Niel endured. He endured well, even when his very being wanted to leave.   
  
He was there when Changhyun finally mustered up enough courage to ask for the guy's number. He was ready with a fake smile and a congratulations when the younger succeeded.   
  
He helped Changhyun through their first text conversation, supplying answers and witty comments and even typed out a few himself when Changhyun started to shake from nervousness.   
  
He was there to coach him before his first date, judging outfits and taking him through the dos and don'ts. He offered words of encouragement until the moment he stepped out the door, and then proceeded to be on standby for the rest of the night in case anything went wrong.   
  
He was there when Changhyun finally admitted to himself and to Niel that he was in love with the guy. As Changhyun looked more and more sure of himself, Niel could feel his world become more and more bleak.   
  
He was Changhyun's shoulder to cry on when they had their first fight, wrapping an arm around the other's sobbing form and silently wiping away the tears.   
  
He was there, shocked into silence, when Changhyun shyly admitted to having spent their first real night together. His world went gray that day.   
  
He was there through all the ups and downs of their relationship. Every step of the way. He reckoned he might even be there for the wedding.   
  
“I might even be best man,” he thought bitterly.   
  
All through this, his tattoo smoldered.   
  
  
After one too many times finding Niel curled into a ball, gasping for air as he clutched at his burning skin, Byunghun finally snapped.   
  
“Niel, why can't you just let him go?” He demanded exasperatedly, angrily, as he hoisted him off the floor.   
  
“I can't,” he gasped, “I'm trying, but I can't.”  
  
He collapsed on his bed, teeth clenched from the pain, from the burn that never seemed to cool.   
  
“Why can't you just leave? Niel, please, it's killing me to see you so in pain.”  
  
“Because,” he winced, “Changhyun still needs me.”  
  
Byunghun just stared at him incredulously.   
  
“He still needs me. He's told me. I've seen it in his eyes when I hint at leaving.”  
  
“Niel, you can't just assume—”  
  
He interrupted him.   
  
“He still loves me, Byunghun. Maybe not the same way he loves him, but he does. And I can tell how much it would hurt him if I left.  
  
If me staying makes him happy, then so be it. Nothing is more important than his happiness. Not even my own.”


	8. CAPRICK (CAP x Ricky)

When Minsoo was seven, he met five-year-old Changhyun for the first time.

The younger was cute and bubbly, and Minsoo immediately took a liking to him. Sure, he might have been older, but he still loved playing, and he couldn’t resist the toys the other was holding.

“Hi! I’m Minsoo.”

“I’m Changhyun,” he spoke slowly, trying to pronounce each syllable perfectly.

“I really like your toys.”

“Thanks,” the younger beamed.

“Can I play with you?” Minsoo sat down.

When the other nodded, he grabbed the toy from him. But instead of looking upset, Changhyun only watched in amazement as Minsoo showed him cool hidden features he didn’t even know existed.

“You’re the coolest person ever, Minsoo!”

He felt a twinge in his chest.

“You’re fun, too.”

“Can we be best friends?”

“Okay.”

And so, a new friendship was born.

 

When Minsoo was nine, he got Changhyun’s tattoo.

Back then, he didn’t really know what it meant. It was after Changhyun’s seventh birthday party and he was busy unwrapping Minsoo’s gift. His eyes lit up as he pulled out a toy set he’d been wanting.

“Thanks, Minsoo! You’re the bestest best friend ever!”

Changhyun tackled him to hug him. As they both toppled over onto the floor, laughing, Minsoo felt a strange sensation come over him. His hip kind of hurt and burned, but he just assumed he fell on it. He cried out as it got worse.

“Are you okay?” Changhyun looked at him, worried.

“It kinda hurts here,” he pointed to his side, pouting.

Changhyun jumped to his feet and pulled Minsoo to the bathroom.

“We have band aids. Mommy always gives me band aids when it hurts.”

He turned on the light and stepped on his stool, opening up the cupboard and pulling out a box of bandages.

“Where does it hurt?”

Minsoo pulled up his shirt and pointed to his side. Changhyun leaned to get a closer look and gasped.

“Look!”

Panicking, Minsoo looked down to what horrible thing had sprouted from his body, but to his surprise, his skin was intact, except for the new colored tattoo he was sure wasn’t there that morning. The skin around it was still red and irritated, and stung a little when he pressed his finger to it.

“Hey, we match.”

Changhyun had pulled up his pant leg and was wobbling around as he lifted it up to compare. He was right, the tattoo on his side was identical to the one on the younger’s ankle.

“What does it mean?”

Changhyun stumbled backwards as he lost his balance.

“My mommy says that getting someone’s tattoo means you love them,” he blinked up curiously at Minsoo, “Do you love me?”

Minsoo’s stomach turned uncomfortably at the question, but he ignored the feeling. An answer bubbled up automatically in the back of his throat, but the words left a bitter taste behind as they passed his lips.

“Of course. You’re my best friend.”

Changhyun smiled at him. Normally it would make him happy, but this time only a sense of dread settled in the pit of his stomach.

 

When Minsoo was eleven, the feeling came back. He had managed to recover from that day two years ago, and all the uncomfortableness had faded.

But as Changhyun stood in front of him, his expression bright, and his arms held out in front of him, Minsoo couldn’t help but feel uneasy. He tried to smile anyway.

“Isn’t it nice? Plus, you have mine, so now we match.”

He nodded mutely as he stared down at his own tattoo stamped in the crook of the other’s elbow.

“It’s so cool!” he threw himself at him, wrapping his arms around his neck, “I love you. You’re my best friend.”

Minsoo knew he should be happy, he really should be, but everything felt wrong and weird and his stomach turned as he heard Changhyun say those words. All he wanted to do was shake off his arms and run. But he couldn’t. So he stood there, paralyzed as his heart thundered while his brain whispered its disapproval.

 

Minsoo still found himself troubled a few days later. The thought of Changhyun having his tattoo somehow irked him. He kept scratching at him own too, almost as if he wanted to peel it off.

He wondered if this was normal. He knew that a tattoo symbolized love, and love meant you cared for someone and wanted to spend all your time with them.

Did he feel like that for Changhyun?

Of course.

So why did it feel wrong?

 

“You have a tattoo?”

“Yeah.”

“Ooh, who’s the girl?”

“It’s my best friend, actually. His name is Changhyun.”

“It’s a guy? That’s kinda weird. Boys aren’t supposed to like other boys.”

 

When Changhyun turned eleven, he lost his best friend.

He didn’t know how or why it happened, all he knew was that they were drifting apart. It didn’t happen right away; in the beginning, Minsoo just started missing some of their sleepovers, claiming he was sick or was too busy. Changhyun didn’t mind, and he didn’t think anything was amiss. But then the other never came out to play anymore when he would knock on his door, but Changhyun swore he saw the curtains move each time. And on the odd days he would come out, he was never the same smiley, dorky guy Changhyun became friends with.

Minsoo never made any effort to withhold his half of the friendship, and Changhyun was getting tired of bearing all the weight. So when summer came and left, and school started up again, Minsoo entered high school, but for once, Changhyun wasn’t there to send him off.

 

When Minsoo was fifteen, he broke Changhyun’s heart.

The younger finally entered high school, two years after Minsoo, and although they didn’t talk like they used to, he still scanned the halls looking for him.

Once he found him, he waved excitedly, and surprisingly, Minsoo returned his wave with a small smile and a nod.

“You know him?” one of Changhyun’s new classmates asked.

“Minsoo? Yeah, we were childhood friends,” he put a hand over his heart dramatically, “And each other’s first loves.”

His new friends all laughed.

“Really? That’s cute. Do you still feel the same way?”

“No,” Changhyun shrugged, “It was just puppy love. Besides, we’ve drifted apart now.”

He didn’t say it aloud, but his heart dropped a little.

 

By lunchtime, word of what Changhyun said had gotten around to Minsoo.

“Is it true that guy Changhyun was your first crush?”

Minsoo nearly choked on his food.

“What? Where did you hear that?”

“Apparently he said it himself.”

He spluttered.

“Hey, man, it’s cool. We’re okay with those kinds of things.”

His friends all nodded, but Minsoo couldn’t help but think back to what that boy had said to him years ago, and he reddened in embarrassment.

“Boys aren’t supposed to love boys. It’s weird.”

 

Changhyun looked up in surprise at Minsoo currently standing over his lunch table.

“Hi?” he said hesitantly.

“Changhyun, can we talk? Alone?”

His friends all giggled behind their hands and Minsoo turned even redder than he already was.

“Sure, sure,” he scrambled out of his seat and followed the other out of the cafeteria.

Changhyun felt a little odd following him. He wondered if he should say anything. They used to be best friends after all. But Minsoo’s back was frigid, and he didn’t look back one as he led him to an empty hallway.

“Okay,” Minsoo stopped walking and got straight to the point, “What exactly did you say about me?”

Changhyun blinked.

“What?”

“This morning. What did you say?” Minsoo hissed through his teeth.

“I said that we were childhood friends.”

“And?”

“And that we were each other’s first loves,” at that he laughed a little.

Minsoo could practically feel his flush down to his toes.

“Why would you say that?”

“Because it’s true?” Changhyun peered at him, “It was just a harmless comment, it’s not like it was that big a deal.”

“Yes, it is! It’s weird, and wrong, and boys aren’t supposed to love other boys.”

Changhyun looked taken aback.

“Minsoo,” he said carefully, “Homosexuality is okay. It’s really not a problem if I loved you—”

Minsoo gritted his teeth.

“—or if you loved me—”

“No!” he exploded, “I didn’t love you. I—I don’t know what it was, but it wasn’t love.”

He shook his head furiously.

“I don’t love you. I don’t! I don’t!”

 

When Changhyun was fifteen, he got his first boyfriend.

Minsoo saw them together sometimes across campus, and every time his heart clenched. But he shook off the feeling and looked away.

Despite that, even if he ignored the happy couple, they were all anyone else could talk about.

“Aren’t they adorable?”

“They’re so brave.”

“I wish I had someone to look at me the way he looks at Changhyun.”

Whenever they crossed his vision, Minsoo had to admit they looked cute together. They held hands, walked each other to class, left school attached at the hip. And even though Minsoo would never admit it, he sometimes wished he was the one kissing him goodbye before class. He wanted to be the reason why there was a blush on the other’s cheeks, to have Changhyun look at him with those love-struck eyes.

The realization hit him like a ton of bricks. Was he gay?

“Ew.”

“That’s not right.”

“That kind of thing should be illegal.”

But of course, love couldn’t exist without hate. So even though there was a lot of support towards the two, there was also some disgust. Hearing those specific comments made Minsoo’s questioning disappear. There was no way he was gay.

 

When Minsoo turned eighteen, he found himself in front of Changhyun’s house.

He hesitated, wondering if he should just turn around and walk away, but his feet brought him over to the front door, and before he could stop himself, he knocked.

Mrs. Yoo looked shocked to see him as she opened the door. Which wasn’t a surprise, considering the fact that he hadn’t stepped foot inside this house for years.

“Minsoo?”

“Hello,” he greeted awkwardly, “Um, is Changhyun home?”

“Not yet, but he should be back any minute. Please, come in.”

She slid to the side to let him in.

“You can wait upstairs if you want. Changhyun shouldn’t be long.”

Minsoo nodded in thanks and head upstairs. The walls still seemed so familiar to him, even after all these years. He walked down the hallway slowly and paused in front Changhyun’s room before pushing the door open.

It still looked the same, still as messy as ever. He stepped inside, suddenly feeling nostalgic. He walked around the room, just remembering.

They used to fly paper planes out of his bedroom window and watch as they got blown away in the wind. They used to make funny faces at each other in the mirror in the corner of his room and try to make each other laugh. They used to jump on the bed and tell each other ghost stories in the middle of the night. Everywhere he looked, there were memories. All these things, Minsoo still remembered as if they happened yesterday.

He stopped in front of the desk. He bent down to get a closer look and noticed that the framed photograph looked awfully familiar. He picked it up.

It was an old picture of him and Changhyun, standing arm in arm and smiling. If he remembered correctly, it was taken a few hours before Changhyun’s seventh birthday party. A few hours before everything changed. Minsoo looked down at the picture and all he could feel was remorse.

“Minsoo?”

His head snapped up. Changhyun stood in the doorway, an unsure smile on his lips.

“What are you doing here?”

“I…” he looked down at the picture in his hands, “I came to see you. To talk. To apologize.”

“Apologize for what?”

“For how our friendship ended. I realize now that I didn’t exactly handle things well.”

Changhyun threw his bag on the floor and sat down on the bed.

“You weren’t comfortable with everything that was happening. I understood that. I never held it against you.”

“Why didn’t you?”

Changhyun smiled softly at him.

“I figured you’d come around eventually. You can’t hide from the truth forever.”

“What truth?”

Minsoo felt small. He dreaded what was coming next, but at the same time, he needed to admit it to himself.

“Our feelings don’t lie, Minsoo. Especially not when they’re displayed on our bodies. As much as it bothers you, I loved you. And you loved me, no matter how much you tried to push it.”

“I’m not gay,” Minsoo blurted out, but it came out as more of a question.

“Maybe not,” Changhyun shrugged, “But you can’t deny that you felt something towards me.”

He patted the spot next to him, and Minsoo sat down, feeling a little helpless.

“Homophobia is not a good thing. Internalizing it made it even worse. It wasn’t clear to me at first, but when you confronted me that day in the hallway, I realized that you really thought it was wrong. But it’s not.”

He took his hand.

“Don’t listen to those people. You love who you want to love. It shouldn’t be a crime.”

“I suppose. It’s gonna take some getting used to.”

“I know,” he patted his knee, “But I’m here for you.”

Minsoo stared down at his hand. Something stirred inside of him.

“How’s your boyfriend?”

Changhyun smiled wistfully.

“We broke up. Things don’t work out.”

“Oh, that’s too bad.”

Minsoo felt a little guilty when a twinge of happiness went through him. And maybe it was his imagination, but his heartbeat seemed to pick up.

“Can I…” he hesitated, “Can I try something?”

Changhyun looked at him and seemed to know what he was thinking. He shifted slightly to face him.

“Okay,” he whispered.

Changhyun waited patiently. He watched Minsoo and gauged his reaction. The other looked incredibly unsure of himself, but as he watched, Minsoo seemed to have steeled himself and made up his mind.

The room was dark now, so Changhyun couldn’t really see his face until he leaned in. And when he did, he could feel old feelings coming up again.

These past few years had done him good. His baby fat had melted away, leaving behind a face more handsome than before. He looked so mature and so different, that Changhyun couldn’t help but stare.

On his side, MInsoo was doing the same. Changhyun hadn’t lost his chubby cheeks, and he was still as cute and bright as ever.

Minsoo reached out and cupped the other’s cheek. They both shivered.

“Is this okay?” he murmured.

Changhyun nodded. He stayed still and waited for Minsoo to make the first move. The other’s breath fanned over his lips, and his eyes fluttered close. When he felt Minsoo’s mouth brush over his, his heart seemed to leap out of his chest, but he didn’t push further. He didn’t want to scare him off.

So he waited. But when the other pulled away, Changhyun almost tugged him back. His disappointment didn’t last though, because he leaned in again, a little more confident. This time, Changhyun moved with him, his lips parting slightly as he curled his hand behind the other’s neck.

They were both breathless when they finally moved apart. Changhyun didn’t remove his hand, and neither did Minsoo, his thumb tracing the curve of his cheek.

“You okay?” he whispered.

“I don’t know,” Minsoo didn’t look away.

“Did you hate it?”

“No… no, I didn’t,” Minsoo bit his lip, “It was different and… kinda nice.”

“Baby steps, Minsoo, you’ll get there,” Changhyun hugged him,” I’m proud of you.”

Minsoo stilled for a second, before lifting his arms to embrace him, his head resting on top of the other’s.

“We’ll get through this together.”

“We?”

Changhyun pecked him on the cheek, grinning at the other’s blush.

“Yeah, we.”


	9. CHANGJOE (Changjo x L.Joe)

Byunghun woke up with a pounding headache, his ears ringing and his mouth dry. He struggled to open his eyes and winced at the light filtering in through his curtains. He groaned and pressed his face into his pillows, regretting everything he did last night.

He tried to remember just how much he actually drank, but thinking made his head throb. He swallowed with difficulty and grimaced at the bitter taste still lingering at the back of his throat, dreading the torturous day to come.

He could kind of recall his first drinks, the taste of alcohol burning its way down his throat. No faces came to mind, any distinguishable features all blurring together. He remembered reaching out to someone, the overfilled shot of vodka in his hand sloshing onto the floor. He could hear his own hiccupped laugh and suddenly he remembered the way he stumbled into someone’s arms.

He furrowed his eyebrows. Did he meet someone last night?

He lifted his head to look and immediately felt stupid. If there was another person in the room he would have noticed, despite his drunken haze. But the pillow by his head was definitely slept on and the sheets were rumpled.

He sat up quickly and had to pause to stop his head from spinning. After his bout of nausea faded away, he swung his feet off his bed and stood up. He padded across his floor warily, listening quietly at the door for any noise. When he was only met with silence, he poked his head out the room and glanced down the hallway.

Why was he being so cautious? Byunghun struggled to pull up the memory of any kind of facial trait, wracking his brain to remember something, anything at all. His brain brought forth a flash of black hair and the curl of a lip, but nothing more, not even a name. He sighed. Not only had he gotten completely trashed, most likely embarrassing himself, not that it was anything new, but he had brought in a complete stranger that he couldn’t even remember.

He felt strangely violated and stripped of his privacy. Whoever this person was, he had come into his house, probably got a few laughs from a very tipsy Byunghun, and left the next morning without a trace.

He drifted into the kitchen, first gulping down a glass of water, then flipping on his coffee machine. He headed towards the bathroom as he waited to the coffee to start dripping. He slowly stripped off his clothes, slightly disgusted by the sheen of sweat and the lingering smell of cologne covering him. He stepped into the shower, jumping as the cold water splashed across his back.

He started to relax as the water warmed, closing his eyes as he squirted some shampoo into his hair. He scrubbed himself clean, makeup running down his face. As he ran his hands across his torso, he yelped as he pressed down on a tender spot right above his left ribs. He blinked the water drops out of his eyes, glanced down and almost screamed.

Right on top of his ribs was a tattoo, the skin around it still slightly red. He definitely didn’t have that when he left home last night. He leaned his head against the wall, hardly believing his misfortune. Now, not only did he have to worry about his unknown one-night stand, but he was in love with him, with a face that blurred in his mind.

 

After he had managed to gather his thoughts and finish washing himself, he rushed to the kitchen to grab his coffee. Even after being woken up for the second time, the memory of his face still didn’t show up and the sense of “what have I done” still lingered.

He sipped his coffee slowly, trudging back towards his room, wanting nothing more than to just collapse back onto his sheets and sleep the day away.

As he walked to the side of his bed, his nose wrinkling at the smell of alcohol still in the air, his eyes caught sight of a slip of paper nestled in the wrinkles of his sheets. He grabbed the paper and unfolded it.

“Sorry for leaving so early. Here’s my number: xxx-xxxx.”

Byunghun flipped it around, searching for a name, but it was unsigned. He frowned, disappointed.

He set it down on his bedside table and picked up his phone, opening up a new chat. He bit his lip, hesitating, before pressing cancel.

 

“Why didn’t you just call him?”

“And say what? Hi, I’m the guy you went home with last night, but I have absolutely no idea who you are or what your name is?”

Chanhee rolled his eyes at him from across the table.

“Okay, so that’s a little bit of a problem. But seriously, if you really have his tattoo, you have to meet him.”

Byunghun glared at the table.

“Who the hell gets a tattoo after a one-night stand?” he muttered, “I’d rather just spare myself the embarrassment and pretend last night never happened.”

“You’ll only torture yourself,” Chanhee shrugged.

“I’ll be fine.”

 

Turns out being fine meant spending the day consumed with the thought of the stranger. He could barely concentrate on his work, his mind constantly bringing up that vague recollection of a flash of black hair.

Eventually, he surrendered and gave up on working, slouching forward onto his deck. He concentrated, but try as he might, he could not remember a single extra detail about the other. He stopped himself from slamming his face onto the keyboard.

 

Byunghun spent his next few days completely distracted, and the solution that came to him one uneventful night, was to go back to the club and find him again.

So he sprung up from the couch, suddenly determined. He headed straight for his closet. His tattoo seemed to ache dully as he got dressed.

He started getting excited, so much so that he almost dashed out the door once he was ready. But he paced himself, slowly walking down the stairs and waved down a taxi. He bounced in the backseat, wringing his hands anxiously.

When he got dropped off at the club’s entrance, the place was already crowded and full, the music thumping. He took a deep breath and walked through the doors, immediately hit by the smell of sweat and alcohol. He grimaced at the mass of bodies moving on the dance floor and made a beeline towards the bar. He needed some kind of push to build up his courage.

He ordered a drink and leaned against the counter, sweeping a gaze across the entire room. His heart tightened a bit when no faces stood out to him. He sighed, turning back towards the bar and downing his drink.

He was about to start sipping his next glass when someone’s voice rang out from beside him.

“Byunghun?”

The hand holding his drink froze halfway to his mouth. He slowly turned his head.

“Hi?” he greeted hesitantly.

He did not recognize the man standing next to him, but he was smiling brightly at him.

“Do I know you?” he asked, cocking his head to the side.

The stranger’s smile fell.

“You don’t remember me?” he looked disappointed.

“No, not really,” he smiled awkwardly.

His ribs seemed to warm. Maybe it was just his imagination or the heat of the room.

“Ah…” the guy rubbed the side of his neck, “Okay, sorry for bothering you.”

He turned to leave, his shoulders hunched. Byunghun’s side started to burn. Without thinking, he lurched forward.

“Wait!”

The stranger turned around.

“Are you…” he paused, “Are you the guy I met the other night?”

“Yeah?” he nodded although he looked confused.

Byunghun froze for a second, his eyes scanning the man in front of him. The dark locks of hair, the curl of his lip that seemed so familiar but he ached to remember. His tattoo seemed to want to jump off his skin.

He started rambling desperately. He didn’t want the stranger to leave.

“I’m sorry I don’t remember you. Well, not that I don’t remember you, just not your name. Or most of your face, mostly just your hair, and oh my god, I’m embarrassing myself I should shut up.”

The stranger just smiled fondly at him throughout the whole ordeal, chuckling softly to himself. Byunghun blushed.

“It’s okay. You did a lot of talking last time too. I thought it was cute,” he shrugged, “And you really liked my hair, so I guess that’s why you remember it.”

Byunghun looked down at his feet, mortified. The other’s laugh made him look up.

“I guess I should introduce myself again. I’m Jonghyun. And you’re Byunghun.”

He nodded wordlessly. He finally had a name and a face. The knowledge seemed to appease the heat of his tattoo.

“Can I buy you a drink?” he offered.

“No,” he shook his head, “I don’t want to forget you again.”

He admitted that quite bashfully.

“I’m flattered.”

Jonghyun was smiling widely now.

“What would you rather do instead?”

Byunghun turned and wrinkled his nose at his surroundings.

“Maybe get out of here? This isn’t really my kind of place.”

“Mine either, honestly. I just came here to find you.”

This time it was his turn to be shy.

“So, um,” he cleared his throat once he saw Byunghun smiling at him, “You wanna get out of here?”

Jonghyun waited for Byunghun to grab his things and led the way out the door. Outside was quiet.

“Do you… want to come back to my place?” he asked hesitantly.

Jonghyun looked a little surprised but he nodded.

 

They took a taxi back to his place. Byunghun didn’t say much, his usual awkward self coming out as the alcohol wore off. He did occasionally sneak glances at Jonghyun, trying to memorize the details of his face, scared he would forget him again.

Byunghun quietly led him up to his apartment. Jonghyun didn’t pause, didn’t hesitate once he opened the door. Byunghun was struck by the fact that the other had already been here once before. It made him feel a little strange as he watched Jonghyun settle himself down on the couch. He gestured to Byunghun to join him. The latter swallowed nervously and sat beside him soundlessly.

“You spoke a lot more last time I was here,” Jonghyun remarked jokingly.

“I’m usually quieter,” he fidgeted.

“I know, you mentioned that,” there was a smile in his voice.

Byunghun looked up, curious.

“What else did I say?”

“Little things about yourself. Nothing I’ll hold against you, of course.”

Byunghun frowned. He shifted in his seat to face him.

“It’s not fair how you know so much about me but I know nothing about you.”

Jonghyun leaned closer.

“What do you want to know?”

“Anything,” he breathed.

 

They talked for hours. They never turned on the lights, so they sat bathed in moonlight. It was only when Byunghun started yawning did he realize how late it was.

“Tired?”

“A little.”

Thinking about sleep made another question rise.

“Jonghyun,” the other raised an eyebrow, “What exactly did we do last time?”

The other grinned. His eyes glinted mischievously.

“I can show you,” he offered.

He got up and held out a hand. Byunghun gulped and took it. Jonghyun started pulling him out of the living room.

“Where are we going?”

“To the bedroom.”

Byunghun blanched. What exactly did they do that night? His heart pounded in his chest as Jonghyun led him down the hallway. Once they reached the bedroom, he went straight for the bed and sat down.

“What—”

Jonghyun pulled him down on top of him, lying down at the same time. Byunghun landed on his chest with an oomph. Before Byunghun could exclaim in surprise, the other wrapped his arms around his waist.

“You asked me to cuddle,” he whispered.

Mortified, Byunghun buried his face in his chest as Jonghyun chuckled quietly above him.

“Hey, don’t be embarrassed. I thought it was cute. You clung to me like a little koala,” he stroked his hair fondly.

“That’s not a good thing,” his voice came out muffled.

Jonghyun just kept petting his head. Byunghun, too tired to protest, just shifted himself so his body wasn’t completely crushing the other, and nestled his head in the crook of his neck.

“You’re warm,” he murmured.

Normally he would shy away from physical contact, but Jonghyun was comfortable and warm and made him feel safe. So he let himself be comfortable. He closed his eyes.

“Let’s sleep like this, yeah?”

Byunghun was already snoring lightly against his shoulder.

 

Byunghun woke up again to an empty bed. He jolted upright, his head whipping back and forth as he took in the empty room. Again? Why was he alone again? He riffled through the sheets, wondering if the other had left him another note. His heart clenched when he found nothing. He wouldn’t just leave, right? He briefly wondered if he still had the first note, although at this point he didn’t know if it was even worth it anymore to call. His tattoo ached as it protested.

He fell back against the pillows, discouraged. He didn’t even want to get up. He groaned, pressing his palms to his eyes, regretting ever going out to try and find Jonghyun again.

“Byunghun?”

He sat up dizzyingly fast. He blinked the spots out of his eyes.

“Jonghyun?” he gaped at the figure standing in the doorway.

The other walked in, a plate in one hand, a cup of orange juice in the other, a tired smile plastered to his face.

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Um,” he bit his lip, “I thought you might have left.”

Jonghyun sat down next to him.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t think you’d wake up before I was done,” he handed Byunghun the plate, “Here, I made you breakfast.”

The latter looked down in surprise. A warm feeling spread across his chest as he took in the breakfast the other made for him.

“Wow,” he flushed, “Thank you.”

“My pleasure.”

Byunghun picked up his fork and took a bite, chewing tentatively. He smiled at the taste.

“Is it okay?” Jonghyun asked worriedly.

“It’s delicious,” he beamed at him.

He gestured towards his empty hands.

“Aren’t you going to eat?”

He shook his head.

“It’s okay. It’s for you.”

Byunghun frowned and scooted over, turning around to face the other. He scooped up some food and brought it to Jonghyun.

“Open,” he said stubbornly.

Jonghyun smiled lightly and obediently opened his mouth, letting Byunghun feed him. They ate in silence, Byunghun alternating between feeding himself and feeding Jonghyun. The latter stopped him when most of it was gone.

“The rest is for you,” he pushed the fork away from himself.

Byunghun finished the remainder himself. He could feel the other’s eyes on him the whole time. Once he scraped the plate clean, he looked up to find a bizarre look going across his face.

“You okay?”

“I think I have something to tell you,” the other blurted out.

He looked up at him expectantly.

“I… Actually, you know what? Just look.”

He pulled up his sleeve. Byunghun stared at his arm in confusion, but it turned to heart-pounding excitement when he recognized the tattoo on his arm.

“I know it’s unexpected, and really weird for me to get a tattoo after just seeing you two times, but I couldn’t help it,” Jonghyun started talking before he could say anything, “You’re just so… I don’t know, so great, I just… It was inevitable.”

He looked at him helplessly. To his surprise, Byunghun started laughing.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m super happy right now,” he shook his head at the crestfallen expression on the other’s face, “And I also have something I want to show you.”

He lifted up his shirt to reveal Jonghyun’s tattoo on his ribs.

“Who gets a tattoo after one night?” he asked softly, “And who else can say they don’t remember whose tattoo it was? Don’t worry, you’re not the insane one here.”

Jonghyun started to grin and launched himself at the other, tackling him backwards onto the bed. He hugged him tightly, his eyes bright. Byunghun, feeling confident, turned his head and brushed his lips over his. Right after, he got shy and pulled away. Jonghyun laughed and leaned down himself.

“You know, I liked the drunk, loud, talkative Byunghun, but I think I’m really in love with the sober, shy and awkward Byunghun. He’s pretty great.”

He took his hand.

“And just so you know, I’m not leaving. Never again.”


	10. CHUNRICK (Chunji x Ricky)

Changhyun slumped to the ground, a half-empty bottle of vodka in his hand. His head lolled to the side, his mouth opening as he groaned. The alcohol wasn’t taking effect.

He took another swig and winced as it burned on the way down.

It was no use. His head felt light, everything he could see blurred at the edges and doubled, but the images and his head wouldn’t go away.

He cursed as the bottle slipped from his grasp and toppled over onto the floor, spilling everywhere. He didn’t bother righting it. He leaned back against the wall, his eyes closing. Now the images were clearer than ever. Changhyun swallowed. Maybe if he let the memories play out, they would disappear and stop torturing him.

He accepted defeat and brought forth the pictures that had been haunting him, the ones he’d been trying to squash down.

The moment he stopped fighting them, they flooded his mind like water breaking through a dam.

 

The first one to appear was his most recent memory of Chanhee. It was still fresh in his mind. Changhyun had been walking towards the grocery store, hands shoved in his pockets and his head bowed, when he heard Chanhee laugh. Changhyun had been so in love with him that he could recognize anything that was Chanhee.

Changhyun threw on his hood and hunched forward as he trudged along. He bit his lip and willed himself not to look. But he could never resist anything Chanhee did so, at the last second, he turned his head.

Honestly, why did he love to torture himself? Changhyun told himself it was because he just wanted to check up on him, to see if he was happy, but even that was a pathetic reason. It seemed even more pitiful to say it was because Changhyun was still in love with him. Although he wouldn’t admit it, a little part of him selfishly hoped that Chanhee felt miserable enough to come running back to him. But what he saw confirmed the opposite.

Chanhee was across the street, laughing loudly. Beside him was someone Changhyun assumed was his boyfriend. As he watched, Chanhee wrapped his arms around the other’s neck and kissed him. He clenched his jaw. Yeah, definitely his boyfriend.

Changhyun speed walked away from them, his heart aching. He rushed through his shopping, just wanting to get home. He was almost at the checkout when he made the split-second decision to pick up a few bottles of alcohol.

 

Changhyun didn’t realize how pathetically he was weeping until the drops rolled off his face and onto his hand. He swept his arm over his face, sniffing loudly.

After sobering up a little, Changhyun sopped up the spilled vodka and took a shower. He took one look around his apartment, dark and gloomy and smelling like cheap alcohol, and couldn’t stand it. He needed to leave.

 

Changhyun walked alone, his head still slightly spinning. He could hardly feel the rain beating down on him. It started to soak through his clothes and his hair hung in clumps in front of his eyes, the ends dripping water, yet he walked.

“Changhyun?”

He lifted his head. Rain started streaming in his eyes. He blinked.

Chanhee stood in front of him, dry, protected by his umbrella, and looking as flawless as the day they broke up.

Changhyun swallowed. Why did he have to run into him now, when he looked so pathetic?

“What are you doing out here? You’re gonna get sick if you keep walking around in the rain.”

In his eyes, Chanhyun could see the worry and care the older still had for him. There was also an underlying of pity in his gaze, despite the soft smile on his lips.

“It’s okay,” his voice cracked, “I’m fine.”

He wondered briefly which question he was answering. The spoken one, or the one reflecting in Chanhee’s eyes.

“You should get home,” he said quietly.

Changhyun almost wanted to laugh at the familiarity of the situation. If he ignored everything that happened, if he tried hard enough, he could pretend it was still like before, before everything ended. He recalled a time when Chanhee had rescued him from the rain and brought him home, spoiling him in front of a warm fire. Now they met again in the same situation, but everything was different. Chanhee didn’t make any move towards him, didn’t shield him with his umbrella, didn’t wrap an arm around his cold shoulders. Chanhee would not be his savior today, nor the days to come. And Changhyun really thought it would hurt less than this.

Did the memory cross Chanhee’s mind as well? Or had he simply pushed it aside?

“Ready to go?”

They both turned their heads. It was the boyfriend. Changhyun’s heart splintered when he swung an arm casually around Chanhee.

“Yeah, just a second,” Chanhee turned back to him, “It was nice seeing you again, Changhyun. Take care, okay?”

Changhyun nodded wordlessly and turned before anybody could say anything more. He heard voices behind him as he shuffled away.

“Who was that?”

A pause.

“An old friend.”

 

Changhyun wanted to forget. Wanted to stop remembering, to stop reliving, to stop hurting. But he couldn’t.

Everything around him reminded him of Chanhee. His apartment still had his touch, his presence. And he was gonna get rid of it, no matter how much it hurt him.

He started determinately, in the living room. He took off his movies from the shelf, picked up the books sitting on his coffee table, one of them still half-finished and dog-eared. He dropped them in a box.

In the kitchen, he got rid of all the snacks Chanhee bought but didn’t stick around long enough to eat. He sorted through the cabinets of his bathroom, putting in the box the products that weren’t his own. They’d been together so long, the line dividing the two began to blur, and Changhyun had some trouble sorting everything out. He went through the process painstakingly, eyeing each bottle carefully. He had to separate before-Chanhee Changhyun and relationship Changhyun, which was difficult, and heartbreaking.

By the time he reached the bedroom, tears rolled silently down his cheeks. His fingers stung with the pain of memories. He sniffled and passed his sleeve over his face. He had to, needed to finish.

Everything that was valuable to him, to their relationship, was in this room. The pictures on the wall and on the desk, the presents lining the windowsill, the little letters Chanhee used to write to him tucked inside his bedside table. And the clothes. The clothes that Chanhee had never come back to get. They still smelled like him. It was all here. And he packed it all into the box.

He fitted a lid on all of them and pushed them to a corner of the hallway. He would find a day to bring them back to him. All of it. He needed all of it gone.

 

Getting rid of physical things was easy. It was the memories that haunted him. But he couldn’t just stop going to any place where they had spent time together. No, the solution was simple. Create new memories, new experiences. He refused to let negativity stop him from living. So he picked himself up, and endured. He replaced old, painful images with new ones. And he found himself getting better.

But he still carried the burden of one last reminder. Chanhee’s tattoo. It warmed on his skin, begging to acknowledged. It wanted to torture him. It was a mark and it wasn’t something that Changhyun had control over.

He fought with himself over the course of a few weeks. One part of him refused to let go, but the other part knew that keeping it would only weigh on him, would just be a constant reminder of his past. A past he needed to give up on before it hurt him again.

So he did his research. He perused online forums and multiple websites, and read and discovered exactly what he’d have to do to rid himself of his tattoo.

It was a surgery, simple as that. The concept of it seemed straightforward, and it was described as simple and painless. But Changhyun took his time to familiarize himself with stories from other people.

Like himself, people had the procedure done to remove the painful memory. And in most cases, everything went seamlessly. Quick and painless, as described. Most people walked away happy. But there were exceptions. Some people recounted their experiences as excruciating, anesthesia doing nothing for them. They claimed that they could almost feel the tattoo stubbornly refusing to leave them, the pull on their skin, and in their hearts. He read horror stories about how one’s feelings were so strong the tattoo came back, marred and ugly over the scar tissue. Changhyun wondered if that would happen to him.

Other people’s experiences frightened him a little, but he didn’t let it deter him. He picked up the phone.

“Hi, I’d like to make an appointment.”

 

The night before his surgery. Changhyun stayed awake, thinking. The skin around his tattoo itched, like it knew what was going to happen and was rebelling against it.

He absentmindedly picked at it, and it ached dully as he passed his fingers over it.

Tears sprung in his eyes as he realized this would be the last thing tying him to Chanhee, the last thing keeping him from severing that bridge.

Crying made his pillow damp and his head throb. He went to sleep fitfully. He dreamed of sunshine-filled smiles, and carefree laughs. He dreamed of harsh words and hiccupped sobs. He relived their whole relationship that night, the good and the bad, and everything in between.

 

Changhyun’s heart beat rapidly as he walked into the clinic the next day. Everything was clean and crisp and too organized to match the erratic fluttering in his chest. Two or three other people sat waiting, and all looked up when he entered. He paused for a second before awkwardly shuffling forward to the reception desk.

“Hello, um, I have an appointment today? For Yoo Changhyun?”

The receptionist glanced up with a smile and shuffled some papers on her desk, handing him one.

“Of course. We just need you to sign this form.”

He did.

“The doctor will be with you soon.”

Changhyun turned to the waiting area and sat down, his hands clasped together. He breathed shallowly.

His gaze scanned the room, his eyes landing on the other people in the room. He couldn’t help but give them the onceover, curious as to where their tattoos were.

All of them turned as a door opened. A girl stepped out of the door, tears flowing down her cheeks. She had her hand in front of her mouth, and Changhyun could hear the muffled thanks she uttered to the doctor. She walked, almost skipped, out of clinic, her eyes shining with tears and happiness.

Before his own name was called, Changhyun watched one person get brought in and one other walk out, his back hunched and head bowed. Changhyun wondered how he would feel when he came out.

“Yoo Changhyun?”

He stood up quickly.

“We’re ready for you.”

He followed the doctor down the hallway, his throat suddenly dry. He had no idea what to expect behind the doors. He imagined a scary operation room, with big tools and nurses with scrubs, but once he opened the door, it was just a regular doctor’s office, not at all intimidating.

“So this isn’t a big surgery?” he asked as he sat down.

“No, no, not at all. It’s really just a simple procedure done under general anesthesia. You shouldn’t feel any pain.”

“How long will it take?”

“It depends on the side, but it usually takes no more than an hour.”

He nodded, still feeling a little nervous.

“Would you please show where your tattoo is?”

Changhyun sat up and removed his shirt, exposing his arm.

“Okay, perfect. Now, if you’ll lean back, we’ll put you under. When you wake up, everything will be done.”

 

Changhyun woke up feeling groggy. His eyes had trouble focusing and his arm felt sore. When he looked down, it was wrapped tightly. The skin around it was pulled taut, but it didn’t look as bad as he thought it would.

The doctor appeared beside him.

“How do you feel?”

“A little woozy, but okay.”

“That’s good,” he handed him some water, “Everything went well. The skin should heal over nicely.”

Changhyun sipped slowly. His head still wasn’t clear.

“What if it comes back?”

“It’s certainly a possibility. You would have to come back and we’d see what we can do. Unfortunately, if the tattoo does come back, it means your feelings are extremely strong, and there is no guarantee that it could be removed effectively, no matter how many surgeries you have.”

Despite that possibility, Changhyun still walked out of the clinic feeling lighter, the weight of Chanhee’s tattoo now gone.

 

Weeks flew by. Months passed. Changhyun learned to live again. He ditched the alcohol and let go of his sadness. He filled the empty spaces Chanhee left in his home and in his heart with his own interests, his own passions.

But still, the thought of the tattoo reappearing plagued him.

Whenever Changhyun saw him around town, the sight made the skin prickle slightly, and each time, Changhyun ran home to make sure it hadn’t returned.

It was gone for now, but Changhyun worried. Chanhee played such a big part in his life; often, he paused and was astonished at how much of his life was influenced by Chanhee. The tattoo may have been gone, Chanhee himself may have left, but the feelings remained. And he hated himself for that. He hated the way his heart still pounded at the thought of him, hated the way he compared all his dates to him, hated the way he still loved him. And he dreaded the day the tattoo would inevitably come back.

 


	11. NIELJOE (Niel x L.Joe)

The first time Niel saw him, it was only for a fleeting second. Still, the man caught his attention. His brown hair flopped down into his eyes, which twinkled with childlike curiosity. His neck was enveloped in a thick wool scarf and he was swaddled warmly in his coat. The road was icy but still he ran. He hurried past him, all smiles and excitement.

Niel was taken aback by his presence and almost tripped over his own feet. He tried not to stare at the shorter male as he whipped out his camera and made noises of astonishment and wonder while he snapped pictures of everything around him. He was alone, but he didn't seem lonely. He smiled to himself as he lowered his camera and scrolled through the pictures. He let go of it once he was done and hummed as he unfolded his map. His eyes lit up as they scanned the page and he dashed off, already on his way to his next location.

Niel realized with a jolt that he had stopped in the middle of the road, and passerbys were shooting him odd looks. He blushed at his own distraction and turned, hurrying away.

 

Niel sighed blissfully as he collapsed on his couch.

"What are you doing?"

His roommate, Minsoo, stared down at him. His head had landed in his lap.

"I just saw this amazing guy."

Minsoo scoffed and pushed him away.

"I don't care. Let me watch TV."

"Oh, but he was so cute. He must have been into photography or a tourist or something, because he was taking pictures all excited. And his smile was so adorable…" Niel recounted dreamily.

"You didn't happen to get his tattoo, did you?"

"No."

"Good. That would have been terrible if he actually was a tourist."

Niel paused and realized with disappointment that he might have just been a visitor.

"You're right. I might never see him again," he deflated.

"Well, at least you got his name, right?"

Minsoo side-eyed him when he stayed silent.

"Seriously? Not even a name?"

"Well, he didn't exactly give me a chance to start a conversation. He dashed off really fast," he said defensively.

Minsoo rolled his eyes.

"Okay, thank god you didn't get his tattoo then," he pushed Niel off the couch and off his lap, "Now let me watch TV."

 

The second time Niel saw him, it came as a quite a surprise. It had been a few days since he first spotted him and he was starting to forget him, although the image of his smile was still lingering in the back of his mind.

He'd gotten bored at home, so he pulled on his coat and headed outside to take a walk. He wandered around aimlessly. He finally arrived at the river and sat down on a bench, his hands in his pockets. He leaned back, just enjoying the distant sound of wind and conversation. He sighed, closing his eyes.

"Excuse me?"

He opened one eye and shot up, startled. He had recognized that familiar scarf and smile and oh my god. It was him.

He gaped.

"You're... You're-"

The man smiled uncertainly. He mentally slapped himself. He rubbed his face, composing himself.

"Um... yes?"

"I was wondering if you could help me. I'm trying to find this place, but I might have taken a wrong turn."

The man sat down next to him, surprising him. He stilled, shocked. He sat, fascinated by their closeness and the fact that he could see the white mist swirling out of his mouth when he breathed.

"Um... hello?" a hand waved in front of his face.

He drew back, blushing at his own silence.

"Ha, sorry. Where do you want to go?"

"Here," he pointed to a spot on his map, which by now had been folded and refolded many times, the creases white with wear.

"That's fairly easy to get to. You're going in the right direction at least."

Niel pointed behind him and listed a few directions.

"And then turn left and it should be right in front of you."

"Thank you so much! It's my first time traveling alone, I've been getting lost way too much," he laughed.

Niel was so mesmerized by his laugh that he barely noticed him getting up and starting to walk away.

"Anyway, thanks again!" he waved.

Niel was still dazed after he left. He trudged home. It seemed like the man's very smile brought warmth, and now that it was gone, he felt cold.

Niel grimaced at his own corny thoughts. Then he sighed. He forgot to get his name.

 

Their third meeting was bittersweet.

Niel was sitting with his coffee and book in hand. Minsoo had friends over, so Niel headed out. Now he was at his favorite coffee shop, warm and toasty by the fake fire.

He'd just gotten to chapter three when someone interrupted his quiet time.

"Excuse me?"

He looked up and almost dropped his novel.

"All the tables are full, do you mind if I sit here?"

It was him again. That stranger with the pretty smile. He was standing in front of him again, this time with a cup of coffee in hand and snowflakes in his hair.

"Oh! Sure," Niel squeaked out, "Have a seat."

Okay. Maybe he did have a little crush.

The man sat down and unraveled his scarf before looking up and making eye contact.

"Oh, hey, it's you," he smiled, "You're the one who gave me directions the other day, right?"

Niel nodded.

"Ah, thanks again."

"No problem," Niel took a sip from his coffee, "So, um, you're a tourist?"

"Yeah," he grinned, "I just needed a break, you know? One of my friends suggested I come here."

"How do you like it so far?"

"It's really beautiful," he gushed, "I’ve had so much fun. I got so many nice shots, too. Here, look."

He reached into his backpack and pulled out his camera. He flicked it on and turned the screen towards Niel. He leaned in.

"The snow that day was falling pretty heavily, but it made such a nice setting, don't you think?"

He scrolled through every picture quickly, running constant commentary and occasionally letting out gasps of wonder at his own photography. Niel found it endearing.

He was really close. Almost too close. Niel turned his head and startled at the lack of distance between them. From here, he could see every detail of the other's face. His cheeks rosy from the cold, the crinkle of his eyes when he smiled, the upward curve of his lip as he gushed about his visits.

He was even more beautiful than before.

"Uh-oh," he thought, his eyes widening.

His wrist was warming. He tried not to let his panic show on his face. He clutched his wrist and prayed it was from the warmth of the coffee cup in his hand, even though he could almost feel the inky lines drawing themselves.

"It's a shame it's my last day though," he said thoughtfully.

Niel blanched.

"Really?" he tried to not let his disappointment show.

"Yup. It's time for me to go back home."

"Well," Niel felt sad, "I hope you had a nice time."

"I did. I met some nice people and saw some really beautiful things."

He suddenly lifted his camera to his eye and snapped a picture of Niel. He lurched back, startled.

"Including you."

Niel blushed.

"What am I then? A nice person or a beautiful thing?" he stuttered out, hiding his embarrassment behind his coffee cup.

"Not saying," the stranger answered back cheekily.

His wrist was on fire. Niel could barely speak, his heart was beating so fast.

"It's a nice picture, I think I'll keep it."

He was looking down at his camera.

"A picture of me?"

"Yeah," he looked up, "I mean, if that's okay with you?"

His heartbeat was thundering now.

"Yeah, sure. Totally cool. Fine," he blabbered.

"Well, if I never see him again, at least he'll still remember me," he hoped.

"I'm sorry for interrupting your reading time, by the way," he apologized, putting his camera away.

"Ah, it’s all right."

Niel had long forgotten about his book.

"Don't worry, it wasn't any good."

"Oh? What's it about?"

The man leaned against table, his chin in his hands.

"Do you really want to know?" Niel raised an eyebrow.

"Sure. I mean I've been talking your ear off about my pictures," he laughed.

He hesitated, but the other had genuine curiosity drawn on his face. So he launched into a whole tirade about the author and his franchise, and how the whole series took a dive after they got popular.

"I honestly don't even know why I'm reading this. Guess I want to find out just how bad it can get."

The man laughed. He'd listened to his whole rant with rapt curiosity and mild amusement on his face. Niel had sneaked in a few looks, making sure he wasn't boring him, but he always looked interested.

"What's the worst that can happen?"

"Well it can't get any worse than the author randomly bringing back into action a character that died tragically two books prior."

He laughed again. Niel decided that he really loved his laugh.

They talked well into the evening. Customers came and went, but still they stayed. Niel bought them some cookies and waved away the other’s insistence on paying his half.

“It’s your last day. Let me treat you.’

Niel didn’t actually know the reason behind him wanting to pay. Maybe he just wanted it to feel more like a date. But that was ridiculous.

They started to leave when the cafe eventually started to empty out. The man went up to the counter to buy himself a tea, so Niel waited for him outside. It's not like he had to, he just... wanted to.

He sighed as he pushed up his sleeve to reveal the completed tattoo. It was small yet detailed, and it somehow matched the young man perfectly.

"Just my luck. He's leaving tomorrow," he thought bitterly.

The door chimes jingled behind him. He released his sleeve, hiding the tattoo, and turned around.

"Well, I had a nice time today."

"Yeah," Niel rubbed the back of his neck.

What was he supposed to say? I love you? Please don't go? I'll miss you? They all seemed wrong.

"My flight leaves early tomorrow morning. I should get going."

Niel tried to smile.

"Have a safe trip back then."

Goodbye was too sad to say. He settled on waving instead. The man smiled and waved back, shouldering his backpack and starting to walk away.

"Wait!"

He wasn't about to make the same mistake again.

"What's your name?" he called out.

"Byunghun," he cupped his hands over his mouth.

"I'm Niel."

"It was nice meeting you, Niel."

Byunghun turned and walked away. He shot one last look over his shoulder and gave a small smile.

Niel watched his retreating figure until it disappeared. He honestly didn't know how to feel. After a few minutes of standing alone, he finally found the strength to turn away and head home himself.

"Well, it could have been worse," he attempted to convince himself.

He couldn't exactly describe what he was feeling as heartbreak, nor love. Just a deep kind of melancholy.

He never saw Byunghun again. All he had left was a distant memory and his ink swirled on his wrist.

 


	12. CHANGNIEL (Changjo x Niel)

Niel woke up to fingers dancing across his back.

“What are you doing?” he mumbled sleepily, slowly rolling onto his back.

Jonghyun stared guiltily at him, biting his lip.

“Nothing,” he whispered, pulling his arms to his chest.

Niel sighed, pulling the other to him. Maybe it was his imagination, but the other seemed almost reluctant to accept his embrace.

“Are you still upset about the tattoo thing?” he mumbled into his hair.

“A little,” he admitted.

“Don’t be. You know I love you, right?”

“I guess,” Jonghyun’s answer was muffled.

Niel frowned and pulled away. He scrutinized Jonghyun, who averted his eyes.

“Hey,” he said softly, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. It’s nothing.”

Jonghyun threw off the sheets and tolled out of bed, quickly padding out of the bedroom. Niel stared after him.

 

“I think we should take a break,” Jonghyun blurted out.

Niel froze, his hands on the other’s hips.

“What?”

Jonghyun continued to flip his pancakes, his back to him.

“Let’s take a break,” he repeated.

Niel dropped his arms, dumbfounded. Jonghyun slid the pancakes off the pan onto a plate and brought them over to the table. He sat down, with Niel still staring at him, stunned.

“Okay, a break… Can I ask why?”

Jonghyun drizzled some syrup onto his plate, a few drops at a time, prolonging the silence.

“There’s a guy in my class who asked me out to coffee.”

Niel blinked.

“But you’re not going, right? You did tell him we were together?”

Jonghyun looked down at his plate.

“I’m meeting him tomorrow,” he said lowly.

Niel did a double-take.

“What? Jonghyun—”

“Look, Niel,” he pushed away from the table, “I just— I can’t do this anymore. I love you, but I just don’t know how you feel about me.”

“I love you! You know that. I tell you every day and every chance I get.”

He brought his hands to the sides of his head.

“I tried to believe you, I really did, but I’m not able to convince myself anymore.  And I have good reason too. It’s not like you aren’t able to get tattoos. I can see others on your body. But I keep checking, and mine is never there.”

“Jonghyun, I don’t know what’s going on with my body, but I am sure of one thing, and that is that I do love you. Why can’t you believe me? Why is it so important? Many people love without tattoos.”

“But I’m not one of those people. It’s very important to me. You have them. So why isn’t mine there, if you truly do love me? I don’t want to… be stuck here, if there’s someone out there, who will be able to prove their love to me.”

“But Jonghyun—”

“I know, okay, that it’s stupid. Stupid of me to think that a tattoo can embody someone’s love, but I can’t help it. It’s just such an important part of society and us, that it’s necessary for me to know.”

He slouched in his chair, finally looking up at the other.

“I’m sorry, Niel, but I have to know.”

His mouth felt dry.

“No, it’s okay, I understand,” he managed to say.

“So I guess we’ll see how it goes,” Jonghyun stared down into his lap.

“Yeah,” he choked out.

They stayed silent, Jonghyun pushing his syrup around the plate with a piece of pancake, and Niel frozen against the counter top, his breath too loud and ragged.

“I think I’ll get going,” he said quietly.

Jonghyun nodded.

“Let me walk you to the door.”

They walked out of the kitchen and towards the door. Niel kept his arms firmly against his sides, he didn’t try to grab the other’s hand or wrap himself around his waist like he used to. He figured that wasn’t exactly appropriate anymore.

“I’ll call you,” Jonghyun opened the door for him.

“Yeah, sure,” Niel nodded slowly.

He turned to face him.

“I love you,” he blurted out, from force of habit.

Jonghyun just stared at him with sad eyes. He whispered his goodbye softly before closing the door. Niel stood in the hallway for a little longer, dejection settling in the pit of his stomach.

 

Dejection turned to guilt, and guilt slowly turned to anger. Exactly what did he do wrong? He loved Jonghyun with all his being, and he didn’t understand how the other couldn’t see it. Did having a tattoo really make that much of a difference?

Niel reached home and pushed open the door of his empty apartment. He dropped down onto his couch, huffing. He ran a hand through his hair.

“What do I do?” he whispered to himself.

He stayed there for a while, in the dark, wallowing in self-pity. He squeezed his eyes shut and groaned. Finally, he stood up, determined to push Jonghyun out of his mind.

He head to the fridge first, but the only thing left was the week’s leftovers. Which he had cooked with Jonghyun. He shut the door roughly. Besides, it seemed like his appetite had disappeared. He trudged towards the bedroom, shaking his head. He started up his computer and slowly picked up his laundry off the floor as he waited for it to load. He plopped down onto his chair and wiggled his mouse. He clicked past countless articles and all his usual sites before slamming it closed. It was a bore. He tried to pick up a book and read, but the words swam in front of his eyes and he read the same sentence over and over again. It was just impossible to concentrate. His thoughts kept drifting back to Jonghyun.

He groaned and collapsed face first onto his bed, his hands gripping the sides of his head in exasperation.

“Might as well sleep, if I can’t even think.”

He sighed, wiggling around to find a comfortable position. But his mind was in chaos.

“A break…”

How long would this last? He tried not to focus on the cold emptiness of his bed, this night the first in a long time without Jonghyun by his side.

“No, it won’t last. He’ll call, and he’ll be back…”

Niel furrowed his eyebrows.

“Unless… he falls for that coffee date guy.”

He gripped his pillow tightly, clenching his jaw. He resisted the urge to punch it. He growled under his breath.

No, Jonghyun wouldn’t break off their long relationship for one date, he was sure of it. It was an experiment, yeah, that was it, a test. Niel scoffed. As if Jonghyun would find someone better than him.

He’d given his all to this relationship, anyone could see that. He always waited for Jonghyun after work with a cup of coffee in hand and a ready smile, no matter how bad his day had been. He cooked for him, spending hours in the kitchen slaving over one dish to make it perfect, and presenting it to him, the plate impeccable, but himself covered in food. He wrote cute songs for him and serenaded him in their small bedroom, and bought him flowers, just because.

And Jonghyun? Jonghyun did everything for Niel too, in his own way. He was the one to wake the other, most times spoiling him with breakfast in bed. He cleaned up after Niel, and dragged him to the bathroom to wash up when the other was too lazy to stand. He made it his job to not let him overwork himself, so he would forcefully pull the other away from his work pile and wrestle him onto the bed, wrapping himself around him so he couldn’t get up.

He hoped Jonghyun would realize just how much he cared for him, and how much he put into their relationship. They shouldn’t be broken up just because of a stupid tattoo not appearing. He wouldn’t let it happen. It couldn’t.

Perhaps this was the denial phase of a breakup. He shook his head. No, he was only being logical. They wouldn’t break up. He tried to be confident, but doubt gnawed at the back of his mind.

He suddenly thought of Jonghyun on that date. He had no idea who the guy was, or what he looked like, but he still wanted to strangle the blurry image of the person in his mind. He thought of the two sharing a soda at a little table for two, maybe a half-eaten sundae resting between them. And he imagined Jonghyun gazing at that blur with that smile that he always reserved for him, and…

He threw off his sheets, his room uncomfortably hot. Sweat beaded at the base of his neck and he drowsily fanned himself. He was probably overthinking it and working himself up. He’d call Jonghyun in the morning, to talk things over with a more level head. With that slight bit of reassurance in mind, he finally fell asleep.

 

He never did call, too scared to pick up the phone. He didn’t think he could handle the indifferent voice and the short-clipped answers. He just hoped Jonghyun would contact him soon.

He laid in his bed during days, never really crying, never really smiling. And that infernal heat was always there, drenching his body in sweat and causing him extreme discomfort. Maybe he was sick.

He rolled out of bed, grumbling. He threw on some fresh clothes and stepped out the door, deciding to head to the drugstore and pick up something to get rid of the terrible warmth.

His feet thudded on the sidewalk, bringing him past the drugstore and towards Jonghyun’s apartment. He stared blankly ahead of him, not really realizing, the heat kind of messing with his brain. By the time it registered in his mind, he had already raised his hand to knock.

“Niel? What are you doing here?”

Jonghyun stared at him confusedly. Niel probably looked like a hot mess; his hair dripping with sweat, his face glistening, and his shirt sticking to his torso. And as Niel stared at him, the heat worsened. His whole body felt like it was on fire and his legs wobbled. He fell forward.

“Niel!”

Jonghyun caught him before he could hit the ground. Niel hissed as the skin beneath his hands burned.

“What happened?” Jonghyun asked in concern.

“I… I don’t really know.”

Niel still couldn’t right himself. Jongyun shut the door behind him as he half-carried Niel into the living room. His breathing was ragged, every huff felt like steam coming out his mouth. Jonghyun sat him down.

“Your skin is burning. Are you sick?” he asked him.

“I don’t know,” Niel panted, “Everything’s just… so hot. It burns.”

“Is there anything I can do?”

“Water, maybe.”

Jonghyun hurried to the kitchen and came back with a glass of ice water. He pressed the straw to the other’s lips. Niel gulped gratefully, but the relief was short-lived. The water seemed to boil in his stomach. He winced.

“Maybe we should get you to a doctor.”

He grasped his hand worriedly. Niel turned his head to look at him and suddenly his body went rigid as a flash of heat seared through him. He gasped in pain. He wheezed for a few moments, before his body slumped back onto the couch and his vision cleared.

“Niel! Are you okay?”

He trembled.

“Yeah, I think so.”

“And the heat?”

“It’s gone.”

Niel patted his own body and realized with relief that his temperature had gone down.

“Really? Just like that?”

“I don’t know. One moment it was there, the next it was gone.”

The sweat was now cooling on his skin. Jonghyun still looked a little skeptical.

“I think you should still rest, just in case.”

“I should probably change first.”

Jonghyun nodded and went to go grab some spare clothes. Now that his mind was no longer preoccupied with the heat, he felt a little awkward barging in on him like that.

“You know, I was gonna call you later today,” Jonghyun avoided his eyes as he came back.

Niel looked at him.

“I did a lot of thinking, and you were right. Love was always here. Tattoos don’t matter. What mattered was our happiness. And I didn’t need some ink to make me happy. I just needed you.”

He sat down beside him and intertwined their fingers.

“I missed you,” he said quietly.

“Me too,” Niel pressed a kiss to his temple, “You know I love you, right?”

Jonghyun smiled.

“Yes.”

He shoved the clothes into his arms.

“And I’d love you more if you took a shower.”

Niel laughed and stood up, already taking off his shirt. He heard a gasp behind him.

“What?”

“You… you…”

Jonghyun shakily pointed to his back. He craned his neck but couldn’t see anything, so he rushed to the bathroom mirror, Jonghyun close behind him. He sucked in a breath as he saw the giant tattoo covering the expanse of his back. He looked back at the other, whose eyes were twinkling with joy. He bit his lip, holding back his smile.

“Do you think that’s what caused your pain?”

“Most likely, considering the size of this thing,” Niel stretched his arm behind him to touch it.

“It’s beautiful.”

“Does it still matter a lot to you?”

“Not really,” Jonghyun stepped forward and wrapped his arms around his waist, “But it makes everything even better.”


	13. N.A.P (CAP x Niel)

“What can I get for you?”

Minsoo sat down at the bar.

“Gin on the rocks.”

The bartender slid a glass over to Minsoo, the ice clinking in the cup. He sipped slowly, eyes sweeping across the crowd of people.

He wasn’t exactly sure what he was doing at a club. He hated the heavy pounding of the bass, the tight squeeze of bodies on the dance floor, the smell of alcohol and cheap cologne in the air. But he needed to get out of the house and a drink seemed like a good idea at the time. He sighed, draining his glass. He gestured at the bartender. He stared down at his clasped hands as he waited for his drink.

He didn’t look up when the stool next to him scraped against the floor as it was pulled out. He did look up, however, when the person plopped down into the chair, his arm bumping into his. He looked up, glaring, but stopped short when he saw the other staring at him apologetically.

“Sorry,” the stranger smiled at him.

Minsoo just nodded, his attention turning to the drink the bartender just placed in front of him. He lifted the glass to his lips and heard him ask the stranger what he wanted.

“Just a coke, please.”

Minsoo frowned at the other’s strange request.

"Don't you want to get drunk?"

Minsoo surprised himself as he spoke up. He never was interested in other's business, let alone a stranger's, so why was he asking now?

"You can have fun without alcohol, you know?"

The stranger sipped his Coke.

"It's not only for fun."

He twisted in the stool to look at him. Minsoo deliberately kept his eyes trained on the row of bottles in front of him. He could feel the other’s eyes scanning his face.

"I suppose. You look like the type to drown his sorrows in alcohol. Is that what you were hoping on doing this evening?" he cocked his head to the side.

Minsoo rolled his eyes and tipped back the rest of his drink. He slammed a few bills on the counter and grabbed his coat.

"I'm not drunk enough for this," he scoffed, heading towards the exit.

He pushed past the grinding bodies in disgust, shouldering his way through crowds of screeching girls. He managed to stumble his way outside, sighing and running a hand through his hair.

Where could he go? There was no way he was going back home. He huffed, annoyed at the turn of events and the abrupt end to his evening. He trudged away from the bar, heading towards his car.

"Hey!"

Minsoo looked back. He stopped at the sight of the stranger running towards him.

"What do you want? First you ruin my peace, now you're trying to follow me home? What exactly are you trying to do?"

The stranger stopped short in front of him and looked a little lost. Minsoo waited expectantly for a response, and when he didn't get one, he turned to walk away. But before he could get far, a hand clamped down on his arm and spun him around. He didn't have a second to exclaim before a pair of lips landed on his own. He froze. The other's mouth moved gently, trying to coax a reaction from his unmoving ones.

When he didn't get one, he pulled away, looking disappointed. Minsoo stared down at him. Now that he wasn't bathed in the fluorescent lights of the dance floor and they were actually face to face, he realized the other was quite cute, with his big eyes and plump lips. And Minsoo kinda wanted to kiss him again.

He leaned down, capturing the other's lips. The stranger made a sound of surprise, his hands flying up in reflex, but he relaxed into the kiss. His hands landed on his chest, gripping the edges of his coat. Minsoo came closer, deepening the kiss and circling his arms around his waist. Minsoo pulled away slightly, chuckling when the other squeaked when his tongue slipped past his lips. Their breaths mingled before he leaned in again, this time mouthing along his jaw.

"I-I saw you from across the bar," his voice came out a little breathy, "I thought you were really handsome, but you didn't look up."

He gasped as Minsoo sucked a mark onto his neck.

"What's your name?" he murmured.

"Niel."

"Minsoo."

"Well, Minsoo," his voice hitched, "My place or yours?"

He pulled away, lips curling.

"Yours."

 

Minsoo wasn't exactly sure what he was doing here. This wasn't his typical morning after routine.

He'd woken up that morning, alone. He'd assumed Niel had gone to take a shower or something, so he took the chance to sneak out. He pulled on his clothes and padded his way through the vaguely familiar apartment. He had almost reached the door when Niel popped up behind him, cheerily bidding him good morning.

"Come have breakfast."

Minsoo had blanched then, and let himself be dragged along to the kitchen. He sat down and stared at the food in a daze. Niel chattered on quietly, ignoring the other's silence.

"What are you doing today?" Niel asked him.

"Nothing, really."

And now he was standing in the middle of the milk aisle, pushing a cart through the supermarket, completely bewildered as Niel checked off items on his grocery list beside him.

He supposed he could just ditch the guy once he had his back turned, but the way Niel smiled gently at him kept him rooted to the ground. So he stayed, helping him unload the cart and bring his groceries to his car.

They dropped off everything back at his apartment and Minsoo assumed this would be goodbye but was once again surprised as Niel pulled him through the door.

"Here," he thrust clothes into his arms.

"What..." Minsoo stared blankly.

Niel rolled his eyes. He pushed him towards the bathroom.

"Go change."

"Why?" He asked as the door closed behind him.

"You don't want to spend the whole day in clothes reeking of alcohol and sweat, do you?" the voice piped up.

The footsteps padded away. Minsoo obeyed numbly, a little confused.

"What are we doing?" he asked once he left the bathroom.

"Out to lunch," Niel looked at him, "If you want to."

He was giving him a way out. He could have left, but for some reason, he heard himself agree.

 

Minsoo found himself spending more and more time with Niel as time wore on. They'd exchanged numbers at the end of the day, Minsoo's intention being to return his clothes. But they kept talking, and calling, and seeing each other, and soon Niel was becoming a part of his daily life. Which, truthfully, he didn't really mind.

He was a little new on the whole relationship concept. When he told Niel, the other had laughed and dragged him out the door.

“Let me teach you how to be a boyfriend,” Niel grinned at him.

He brought him on dates, taking him out to the movies and cheap restaurants. They spend days wandering around the city, buying coffee and sharing ice cream. Sometimes, Minsoo felt a little out of his element, but the other had just taken his hand and pecked him lightly on the cheek, and he felt at ease.

They spent hours at his apartment, watching cheesy movies and attempting to cook dinner together, but ultimately both ending up covered in goop and flour. Minsoo had really laughed then, at the streaks of crumbs covering Niel’s face. The other smirked in response, challenging him, before running towards him with a scoop of cookie dough in both hands.

Minsoo never brought him back to his place, and Niel never broached the subject.

He'd never loved anyone before, but he was sure he was in love with Niel.

Within the first weeks of their relationship, Niel asked him to stay the night, his eyes shy. Minsoo was already halfway out the door, but he turned back and shrugged off his coat, relishing in the warmth that spread through his chest when the other smiled at him.

They'd lied down on his bed, facing each other. Minsoo had closed his eyes, feeling a little awkward with their closeness. He felt the other gently trace the lines of his face, and smiled slightly under his fingers. The other chuckled softly. He allowed the other to continue, until he eventually felt the hand drop. He opened his eyes slowly, marveling at Niel's sleeping face.

His eyes took in the slope of his cheek, the strands of hair falling diagonally across his face, and the shadowy curves of his lips. The other breathed out gently, and pressed his face into the pillow, adorably distorting his features.

His hands clenched around the sheets as he suddenly felt a strange warmness spread across his body. His breath quickened as his skin began to heat up.

Niel stirred. He groaned and reached out to grab his shirt, pulling himself closer to Minsoo, which didn’t help his rapidly beating heart.

"Go to sleep," he yawned.

Minsoo's heart thundered as Niel snuggled into his chest, his head right above the newly formed tattoo.

 

It was a cold winter’s night when Niel first met Minsoo’s fiancée.

They had just settled in for their weekly movie marathon, a bowl of popcorn sandwiched between them, when the lights flashed off.

“What happened?”

Niel reached over to the light switch and flicked it on and off. He groaned when the room stayed dark.

“Electricity’s out.”

“How long do you think it’ll be before it comes back on?”

“At least a few hours.”

Niel sighed next to him, already cuddling into his side. Minsoo frowned, the thought of Niel sitting in the dark, cold and shivering, made him spring to his feet and toss Niel his coat.

“Come on,” he pulled the other through the apartment.

“Where are we going?”

Minsoo hesitated.

“My place.”

 

“I knew it.”

His fiancée glared at him from the doorway. Niel peeked around Minsoo.

“Who are you?” he asked curiously.

“I’m Minsoo’s fiancée,” she crossed her arms, “Who are you?”

Niel’s eyes widened in shock. He whipped his head up to look at Minsoo, who was staring sourly at her.

“Fiancée?” he whispered, “Minsoo, what’s going on?”

“Come, I’ll explain everything,” he murmured.

He led a confused Niel down the hallway, opening his bedroom door for him. But before he could follow him through, she rushed forward and pulled the door close. Niel spun around at the slam.

“What are you trying to do?” he heard her hiss.

He pressed his ear to the door.

“It’s bad enough we have to live together, but now you’re bringing other people home too? You’re going to ruin everything.”

“Look, you and I both hate this arrangement, but we don’t have a choice. So I’ll go through with the wedding, but I’m not giving up Niel, regardless of the consequences. Not now, not ever.”

“You really like him, don’t you?” her voice was audibly softer.

There was a pause. Niel held his breath.

“I love him,” Minsoo said softly.

Niel heard her sigh.

“Okay, I won’t stop you, even though I don’t like it,” a beat of silence, “And I can already tell you look happier.”

Her footsteps started again and faded down the hall. The doorknob turned.

“Hey,” Niel said softly, backing away from the door.

They stared at each other in silence, Niel with a curious, if not slightly betrayed look on his face, and Minsoo, shielded and vulnerable, biting his lip. Niel had never seen him so unsure of himself.

“I guess you want an explanation,” Minsoo stared down at his feet.

“A little,” Niel sat down on the edge of the bed, “I’m not mad, though. Just a little confused.”

"It's not too complicated of a story, so I'm sorry I didn't tell you about it before," Minsoo hung his head, "That girl you just saw, she is my fiancée. But I don't love her."

"So…” he swung his feet, “Why are you marrying her then? I don't quite understand.”

Minsoo came to sit next to him.

"It's an arranged marriage of sorts, a merger between our families, I guess you could say. My parents, they’re friends, and they forced us together so much. They didn't want us to be with anyone else but each other. They couldn't accept us not being together."

"So you agreed to marry her?"

"I had no choice. My parents would never approve of anyone else. They’d keep me, keep us, under their watch. I thought, if I marry her, at least I’d get a taste of freedom."

They stayed silent.

"What does she think about all this?"

"She hates this so much more than me. Before I met you, I didn’t really have anyone I felt strongly for, or would regret leaving. But she had a boyfriend before this, and she gave him up. For our parents. So you can see why she'd be mad at me for bringing you here."

"Are you going to leave me too?"

Minsoo turned to him in shock. The other looked at him with a sad sort of smile, and it tugged at his heart.

"Of course I'm not. Niel, please understand," he took his hand, "I may be engaged to her, but you're the one I love. I want to be with you more than anyone in the world. I never would have thought that I would meet someone like you, and I regret the moment I said yes to this whole arrangement."

"I believe you, Minsoo," Niel leaned in and pressed a kiss to his lips, "I love you, too, you know. I'm just a little upset that you didn't tell me about this. It's kind of surreal, and hard to wrap my head around. I mean, my boyfriend has a fiancée."

Niel laughed softly.

"I'm sorry."

"I forgive you," he leaned against his shoulder, "For some reason, it doesn’t bother me as much as it should. I guess it’s because I could kind of tell you didn't love her."

"How so?"

"Because," he murmured, "You don't look at her the way you look at me."

 

"I do."

Minsoo gritted his teeth as the crowd cheered. He wanted to run away, away from the altar and the flowers and the minister, but he couldn't. So he bit his tongue, choking out the words of his vows and cringing at the superficiality of hers.

They had helped each other before the wedding, covering up each other's tattoos.

“I never thought I’d walk down the aisle to someone who wasn’t the love of my life,” she laughed bitterly.

Minsoo fixed her veil and embraced her.

“I know,” he dabbed at her tears, “It’ll be over soon.”

He had bumped into Niel shortly after, and he immediately hugged the boy. The latter wrapped his arms around him, gently patting him on the back.

“I don’t want to get married,” his voice was small, “Not if it’s not you waiting for me.”

“It’s okay, Minsoo,” he pulled away, “Just go and get married. I’ll be waiting for you at home.”

Niel kissed him one last time before walking away.

Minsoo felt a hand grasp onto his. He turned his head, locking eyes with his fiancée and soon-to-be wife.

“Ready?” she whispered.

He nodded. So they faked their happiness, for the sake of their parents.

He pretended he didn't see her old boyfriend sitting behind everyone else, and she ignored the way the scent Niel's cologne lingered on him when she leaned in for the kiss. They smiled for the cameras, their arms around each other, more of a sign of friendship rather than love.

Once the reception was over, they drove away from the venue together, picking up her boyfriend a few blocks away. He dropped them off, watching with a smile as they walked hand in hand up the drive.

As he pulled away from the curb and headed home, he thought about Niel. The other was probably waiting for him back home, in front of the TV with two cups of hot chocolate. He would greet him with a smile and a kiss, like usual, and pull him down to snuggle into his side.

Minsoo stopped the car in front of their apartment. He paused before opening the door, slipping off his wedding ring and pocketing it. He unlocked the door, pushing it open, and crossed the threshold.

Niel grinned at him from the couch.

“I have hot chocolate for you.”


	14. CHANGJI (Changjo x Chunji)

“Do you know what it’s like to be in love?”

The caretaker straightened, startled. She glanced over at Chanhee, surprise gracing her features.

“Um, no sir, not yet.”

“Hm,” he mused, settling back onto his pillows, “It’s a wonderful feeling.”

“I can imagine.”

Chanhee sighed wistfully.

“I remember when I first met Jonghyun. We were young back then, and stupid. We both thought it was just a summer fling. And it was, for a little while.”

“What happened?”

The caretaker flitted around the room, cleaning, but urged him on. She was intrigued.

“We separated for a few years. I never thought… well, I never imagined he was the one I’d be spending my life with. The awkward, chubby-faced kid with big dreams.

When I saw him again, a few years later, it was like being struck by lightning. It was like love at first, completely instantaneous.”

“That sounds so sweet.”

Chanhee laughed.

“Not really. He was waiting on the other side of the street, and I almost got run over by several cars trying to reach him.

As soon as I got over there and embraced him, it was like he never left. It just felt right, you know?”

“Why don’t you tell me about him?” she pressed on.

“Oh, where would I start? He was amazing and infuriating and cheeky and an absolute pain in the ass. And he was all mine.

I think we met for the first time on the beach. He ran over and kicked sand all over me. I chased him around and then he tackled me into the water to stop me. And then he ran away. I can still hear his cackling.”

The caretaker stifled a laugh behind her hand.

“Like I said, infuriating.”

He reached for his glass of water with weak hands. She hurried to his side and helped him drink.

“I met him properly later, at the bonfire. I don’t know how I got so confident, perhaps I was drunk on sunshine and ocean spray, but I went straight up to him. And he smiled. God, how I miss that smile. It was still beautiful, even after all these years, even after we grew old.”

Chanhee smiled longingly.

“I sat down. We talked. We shared a beer. I remember the heat of the fire washing over us, and the way his eyes glowed amber in the light. He told me he wanted to be a dancer, I told him I wanted to sing, which I never revealed to anyone before. I think I may have kissed him.”

She sat down beside him.

“Was it love?”

“I wouldn’t have called it love yet. Infatuation, maybe.”

He chuckled.

“If only I had known how we would end up… I would have begged him to stay with me that summer.”

“He left?”

“We spent a handful of days together. I knew he was only vacationing there for a few days. He never meant to find love, neither did I, so it was a little hard to part ways.”

“At least you found each other again.”

“Yeah,” Chanhee clasped his hands together, “I couldn’t believe my luck. A few years had passed by then, and all I had was a face and the memories. No phone number, no address. And suddenly there he was.”

“It must have been fate.”

“Must have,” he grinned, “The first thing I asked him was if he was still dancing. His face lit up and he practically dragged me to his dance studio.”

His fingers danced across the bedsheets.

“I wish I could show you how he looked. The way he moved… it captivated me. It still did, even when we were old and wrinkly and he couldn’t quite move like he used to.”

She giggled.

“After he was done, he sat down beside me and asked how I still remembered that about him. I told him I never forgot him, which I guess I never did. He smiled, and it was still as beautiful as ever. Then he asked me if I was still singing.”

She smiled.

“He still remembered you.”

“He did. So I sang for him. And this time, he was the one to kiss me.”

“Was that when you got the tattoo?”

“Actually, no. It was later that evening, when we ordered takeout. We ate sitting on the floor of the studio. It was gross and humid and kinda rank, but it’s honestly one of my favorite memories because as I was watching Jonghyun shovel piles of food into his mouth, I felt it. The heat, the fire. It engulfed me. And suddenly, there it was, on my arm, in all its glory.”

“How did he react?”

“He stared at me with his mouth open, hallway done with his chewing. I told him he was disgusting.”

He wrinkled his nose. She laughed.

“Did he get yours too?”

Chanhee grinned.

“It’s actually quite sweet. He admitted he’d had mine since the day we said goodbye, all those years ago.”

“Wow, it’s like the plot of a cheesy romantic comedy. With the long lost love and everything.”

“Yeah, I guess we did get our happy ending, didn’t we?”

She cooed.

“We celebrated 50 years of marriage, did you know that? 50 years! Spent almost 6 decades with that man. We got angry, we fought, we yelled, but even after all that, we still loved.”

Chanhee toyed with his wedding ring.

“Where is he now?”

He smiled sadly.

“Not here. He’s waiting for me, on the other side.”

“Oh, god, I’m so sorry,” she apologized frantically, I didn’t realize…”

“It’s fine, no need to feel bad,” he shook his head, “It was inevitable. At least I’m getting a few years of break from his nagging.”

His tone was teasing and his smile was light, but his eyes shone with sadness. The caretaker opened her mouth to speak, but her words were interrupted by a knock at the door.

“Come in.”

Chanhee smiled once he recognized who was behind the door. Changhyun walked in, slowly pushing the wheelchair Byunghun was sitting in. They both grinned when they saw him.

The caretaker took his as her cue to leave. She rose from the bedside and bid Chanhee goodbye.

“Thank you for telling me your story,” she murmured.

“Thank you for listening,” he tilted his head.

She straightened his blanket carefully before leaving. He turned his attention to the two men.

“Changhyun, Byunghun, my old friends, how are you?”

Changhyun rolled the other over to his side and took a seat next to him.

“We’re just fine. How about you?”

“Still the same as ever,” he glanced over at Byunghun, “The legs not doing well today?”

“No,” he shook his head, “Couldn’t stand up this morning.”

Chanhee frowned, worried.

“Why did you come then? You should have stayed home and rested.”

“It’s fine,” Byunghun waved his hand, “Actually, we came because we have something to give you.”

“Oh?”

“We were clearing out some boxes yesterday and we stumbled upon some of our old pictures. You know, the trips all 6 of us used to take together?”

“How could I forget?” Chanhee chuckled, “It was the best part of growing up.”

“Well, we found the keepsakes.”

Changhyun handed him and envelope. He opened it with frail fingers.

“There are for you. We could have given them to you another day, but… time isn’t very forgiving.”

His words hung in the air for a moment. Chanhee knew what he meant. He could honestly say that it wasn’t death he was scared of, but rather the thought of not knowing when it would come.

He lifted the flap of the envelope and pulled out the photographs inside. He thumbed through them carefully, remembering and rediscovering the best years of his life. He stopped once he he’d flipped through them all. The picture at the top of the pile was one of him and Jonghyun, standing arm in arm, bright smiles plastered on their faces. He brushed his thumb over Jonghyun.

“Thank you, guys, really. This is great,” he sniffed.

“Hey, you okay?” Byunghun patted his hand.

Chanhee nodded, lifting a hand to his face to blot his tears.

“You really miss him, huh?”

“How could I not?”

He couldn’t tear his gaze away from the photo in his hands.

“You know he visits me in my dreams sometime?”

“Yeah? What does he say?”

“He says he misses me. He says he wants to see me again. But lately, his face hasn’t been that clear. I’m scared… I’m afraid I might be forgetting his face. So this means a lot to me.”

He shuffled the photos.

“I’m so sorry, Chanhee.”

“It’s okay,” he cleared his throat, “It’s not so bad. I still have his tattoo.”

Changhyun tilted his head to the side in confusion.

“When I pass my hand over it, it’s like the haze clears, and I can remember him clearly for a few seconds. But it never lasts.”

There was a brief silence. Changhyun grabbed onto Byunghun’s hand and squeezed lightly. Chanhee stared down at their intertwined hands and smiled wistfully,

“So,” he changed the subject, “Have you visited Minsoo yet?”

“No, we were going to, after this. Is he doing any better?”

Changhee sighed.

“He isn’t doing any worse. He still has his bouts of memory loss. Last time I paid him a visit, he didn’t recognize me.”

“Has he forgotten Niel, too?”

“Most of the time he doesn’t remember anybody. Sometimes he has good days and it seems like he’s almost back to normal. But on the bad days… I think he remembers Niel’s name, because every time I mention him, it triggers some kind of reaction. Besides that though, it doesn’t seem like his memory is improving.”

Byunghun bowed his head. The mood in the room suddenly turned bleak.

“Go see him, guys. I haven’t been able to for a while. I think he needs some company.”

Changhyun stood up.

“We’ll go now.”

Chanhee watched him grip onto the wheelchair and roll Byunghun away from the bed.

“It was nice seeing you again, Chanhee. We’ll come visit again soon.”

“Please do,” he waved weakly, “Thanks again for the pictures.”

They were almost out the door when Chanhee spoke again.

“Wait, guys,” he called out.

They turned.

“Do me a favor, will you? Pass a hand over Minsoo, remind him of Niel, at least for a little bit.”

Changhyun nodded.

“Will do. Goodbye, Chanhee.”

They shut the door quietly behind them. He listened to the squeaking of the wheels and the soft footsteps go down the hall. Once all was silent again, he settled back down onto his pillows and sighed, closing his eyes.

 

Jonghyun was waiting for him in his dreams again. Everything was bright here, almost ethereal-looking. Jonghyun didn’t even look old anymore, he had aged backwards to that day, decades ago at the dance studio, when they talked the night away, with soda prickling their lips and grease coating their fingers.

Chanhee asked him how it worked once.

“You see me like this because that particular moment held symbolism. You got my tattoo that night, didn’t you?”

Chanhee nodded, then scrunched up his face in horror.

“Oh god, does that mean I look like the teenage version of me?”

Jonghyun laughed and shook his head.

“No, I can control what version of you I want to see.”

“So what do I look like now?”

“Right now? You look like you on the day we got married.”

Chanhee had blushed at that.

On this particular day, Jonghyun was waiting for him with a flower.

“Hi,” he said.

“Hey.”

He seemed to hesitate for a moment before stepping forward. He held out the flower and Chanhee reached out to take it, expecting it to dissolve into nothing before he could touch it. He hadn’t been able to touch anything in his dreams all this time, not even Jonghyun. But to his surprise, his fingers curled easily around the stem.

He looked up at Jonghyun in shock. The other stared back at him, his expression a mixture of joy and longing.

“What—“

Jonghyun reached out to him then, and for the first time since his death, Chanhee felt his arms wrap around him. His breath caught in his throat.

“Finally,” Jonghyun murmured, his lips pressed into his hair.

Chanhee brought his arms up shakily and embraced him, squishing fistfuls of his shirt in his hands. He breathed deeply.

There was a bright light.

And then nothing.


	15. CAPJI (Chunji x CAP)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bonus chapter coming up next!

“Do you think I’m selfish?”

“What for?”

“For being upset at Minsoo for having more than one tattoo.”

“Well, how many do you have?”

“Just his one.”

“I mean, it’s normal to want to be, you know, the only one. But it’s part of human nature to get tattoos when you have strong enough feelings for someone.”

“I know, it’s just…” Chnahee stirred his drink with straw, “I guess I’m just a little insecure about it.”

 

“Chanhee!”

He snapped out of it, dazed.

“What?” he blinked fast.

“I keep calling your name and you keep blanking out,” Minsoo poked at his food, his bottom lip jutting out slightly.

“Sorry, I didn’t notice,” he muttered.

“Hey… What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” he shook his head, “I’m just a little distracted.”

Minsoo put his fork down and peered at him. Chanhee avoided his eyes.

“Come on, Chanhee, I know you better than that. There’s something on your mind.”

Chanhee chewed slowly.

“Okay, there is something,” he swallowed, “But it’s really stupid. It’s not something to worry about.”

“It’s obviously bothering you, of course I’ll be worried.”

Chanhee stayed quiet. Minsoo sighed.

“You don’t have to tell me now,” he reached across the table to grab his hand, “But I’m here if you wanna talk.”

Chanhee shot him a grateful smile. The other grinned back. His eyes flitted to the clock and jolted up from the table.

“Oh, I forgot. I’m meeting up with a friend. I have to get ready.”

“Who is it?”

“My ex. You met her once, right?”

Chanhee nodded curtly, his lips still frozen in a smile.

“Yeah, she wants to meet for coffee,” Minsoo ran around gathering his things, “I’ll be back in a few hours, okay?”

“Okay,” he said, his voice small.

Minsoo didn’t notice. He headed towards the door.

“Bye,” his voice called from the hallway.

Of course Chanhee remembered her. The only ex Minsoo still talked to. She was pretty, beautiful even, with bright eyes and a perfect smile. She had the perfect body too, she would probably look good wearing a potato sack. Men ogled her wherever she went but she only had eyes for Minsoo. They would probably talk for hours. Chanhee’s fingers curled into a fist. How could he ever compare to that?

His smile slipped from his face as the door shut with a click.

 

Later that night, Chanhee joined Minsoo on the couch, the pale glow of the television washing over both their faces. Chanhee settled besides the latter and the other wound his arm around his waist. He leaned into his touch, although he did it stiffly. He pretended not to notice Minsoo lowering the volume of the TV as an open invitation to talk.

Chanhee chewed on his bottom lip as he stared at the TV, feeling Minsoo’s curious eyes on him. He still didn’t turn up the volume again, even when Chanhee didn’t start talking.

It’s not like he felt pressured in any way. Minsoo didn’t push for answers, and the arm around his waist still felt like a comfort rather than an annoyance. He wasn’t about to pester Chanhee to tell him what was wrong, but the words still formed in the back of his throat.

“I don’t like your tattoos,” he blurted out.

“What?” Minsoo stared at him, incredulous.

Chanhee face palmed.

“That didn’t come out right,” he muttered, “What I mean is, I don’t like the fact that you have so many.”

Minsoo chuckled.

“Is that what’s making you upset?” he ruffled his hair, “Come on, Chanhee, that’s nothing to be worried about. You know I love you. There’s no one else for me.”

He smiled cheekily at him. Chanhee felt somewhat relieved but not completely at ease. He still didn’t understand.

“It’s not jealousy, Minsoo,” he struggled to find his words, “I—I’m just scared I’m not enough for you.”

Minsoo pulled back, frowning.

“Where did you get an idea like that?”

“It’s just… Well, you’ve loved other people before, and been in other relationships, with more attractive people and… And me… You were my first, and I don’t have any experience, and I can’t help but wonder if you don’t want that, if you’d rather have someone who knows what they’re doing,” he closed his eyes, “And maybe it’s because I’ve never been in love before, but I don’t like thinking about you with someone else.”

He covered his face with his hands.

“Okay, maybe it is a little bit of jealousy,” he admitted.

Minsoo chuckled softly beside him.

“Chanhee, look at me.”

When he shook his head, Minsoo gently pried his fingers away from his face.

“Chanhee, none of that has ever mattered to me. Especially not this “experience” you’re talking about,” he made air-quotes with his fingers.

Chanhee looked down at his lap.

“Really, Chanhee, I’m not lying. I feel honoured, you know, to be your first love.”

He blushed.

“First loves are always the best. They’re the ones that really make you feel that special way. And I’m really happy I could be the one to make you feel like that.”

Minsoo pressed a kiss to his temple.

“I still remember the joy and giddiness I felt when I fell in love for the first time, and I’m glad to be able to live it again through you.”

Minsoo reached for his hand.

“Yes, I’ve loved before, but for now, I love you. And only you.”

Chanhee sighed and leaned his head against his shoulder.

“I guess I know that. I just don’t like the fact that the proof of you loving other people is all over your skin.”

“I know, Chanhee. But it’s human nature. If I could, I’d take them off for you.”

Chanhee laughed.

“It’s okay,” he looked up shyly, “I love you.”

Minsoo grinned and leaned in for a kiss.

 

Chanhee woke up to the sound of a door slamming. He patted the other side of the bed, finding it cold and empty. He sleepily kicked off the blankets and rolled out of bed, his feet hitting the floor with a thump.

“Minsoo?” he called out.

There was a pause in the footsteps outside the bedroom door, before they started up again, faster this time. Chanhee stumbled across the dark bedroom and yanked open the door, just in time to see the bathroom door across the hall close. He heard the lock click as he shuffled across the floor.

“Minsoo?” he knocked softly on the door.

“Don’t come in,” his boyfriend yelled from the other side.

Chanhee blinked at the slurring of his words.

“Are you drunk?” he called through the door.

“Noooo,” he drew out the word, giggling slightly.

“Okay, Minsoo, open the door,” he jiggled the doorknob.

“No, don’t come in,” he hiccupped, “I’m doing something.”

“Minsoo, you’re drunk. I don’t want you to hurt yourself,” Chanhee pressed against the door, slightly panicking, “Let me in.”

“Wait! It’s a surprise,” he slurred.

“I don’t care. Open the door,” his voice rose as his worry grew.

“No—ow!” he heard him hiss in pain.

“Minsoo!” he banged on the door, “What happened?”

“I’m bleeding,” he shrieked.

“Oh my god, unlock the door, please,” Chanhee said desperately.

He heard the door unlock and he immediately pushed down on the knob and yanked it open. Minsoo sat on the closed toilet seat, his head bowed, and his arms bloody. He reeked of alcohol.

“Oh god, what were you doing? What happened?” he rushed forward.

He looked around frantically. He sucked in a breath at the bloody washcloth and the pile of stained tissues in the sink. He knelt down in front of Minsoo and grabbed his arms. He gasped at the angry red lines around the tattoos covering his arms. As he gently turned the arm, more blood blossomed out of the gashes he had managed to make.

“Were you trying to scratch off your tattoos?” he peered up at Minsoo, frowning.

“I was doing it for you,” his head lolled lazily to the side.

“You were hurting yourself!”

“But Chanhee,” he squinted, trying to focus, “I… I understand now. You—you don’t like them, and they make you uncomfortable so I had a surprise! A little ouch and then poof! They’re gone. And you’ll be happy.”

Chanhee shook his head violently.

“No, Minsoo, it doesn’t work like that,” he stood up to grab the first aid kit from the cabinet, “The tattoos are a part of you now. And—oh god, I knew I shouldn’t have told you—I love you with them all.”

“Really?”

He wet a clean washcloth with soapy water and gently pressed it to his arm. He winced.

“Sorry, sorry,” he gently dabbed the wound, “Of course I love you. I might be a little insecure, but I’m not stupid enough to leave you over something so trivial.”

Minsoo scowled as he watched Chanhee clean his cuts.

“Well, now I feel dumb.”

“You did do something idiotic,” he unwrapped some gauze, “I hope these don’t scar.”

“I thought I was doing something good,” Minsoo yawned in his ear.

“I know, alcohol makes you do crazy things. Probably why you’re not hurting too much right now,” he stood up, “But you’re gonna be in pain tomorrow.”

“Chanhee—”

“No, not now. You’re drunk and hurt, and I’m tired, so let’s talk about this tomorrow morning, okay?”

Minsoo slumped forward, yawning again.

“Okay.”

Chanhee lifted him up and walked him to the bedroom, settling him down gently onto the bed. He helped him out of his clothes and covered him in blankets. He left the room to grab him a few aspirins and clean up the bloody mess in the bathroom, and when he came back, the other was already snoring softly. He placed the pills on his dresser and crawled back into his side of the bed.

But how could he sleep? The guilt weighed heavily on his heart. It was all his fault.

 

“Good morning.”

Chanhee lurched to the side in surprise. He turned his head and caught Minsoo’s eye.

“You okay?” he whispered, reaching forward to brush the hair out of his eyes.

“No, my head hurts, and my arm hurts,” he whimpered.

Chanhee reached over him to grab the aspirins and handed them to him.

“I’ll get you some water.”

He slipped out of bed and padded towards the kitchen. He came back with a glass of water and helped prop Minsoo up as he drank. When he finished, he flopped back down onto his pillows and dragged Chanhee down on top of him.

“Your arms—”

“It’s okay,” he murmured, “We should talk.”

Chanhee sighed and wrapped his arms around his neck carefully. The guilt was back.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled, “I shouldn’t have told you anything.”

“No, I’m happy you did. Though I admit I could have handled it better.”

“But you hurt yourself because of me,” he sniffled, “I’m so sorry.”

They stayed quiet as Chanhee gathered his thoughts.

“Minsoo, I love you. Your other tattoos bother me, but it shouldn’t. It’s my thing, my problem, and you shouldn’t be the one dealing with it. Especially not in this way.”

He shifted slightly, and he caught the grimace that flitted across his face.

“Oh god, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” he apologized again.

He was on the verge of tears.

“This is all my fault.”

Minsoo shook his head.

“Don’t blame yourself. I did this because of what you told me, but I did it myself,” he wiped away the tears, “Don’t be upset. I understand. I don’t like keeping the tattoos either, some of them are just painful memories that I don’t want to remember.”

He picked at the gauze around his wrist.

“So this whole thing wasn’t your fault. The urge has been in me for a while. Please don’t blame yourself. I don’t like seeing you cry.”

Chanhee buried his face in his shoulder, apologies still burning on his lips. He shuddered, taking a breath.

“I’ll try not to be insecure anymore.”

“Hey,” Minsoo nudged him, “Insecurity is natural. But you don’t have to feel it with me.”

He traced the tattoo on the other’s wrist, his lips curling.

“I love you, and that won’t change anytime soon. Nobody else compares to you.”

He lifted his wrist to his lips. Chanhee smiled.

“Besides, my tattoo has never looked more beautiful on anyone else.”


	16. OT6 Ricky-centric

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bonus chapter!

Why did this have to happen?

Changhyun stared at his reflection in horror. His shirt was off and laying in a heap on the ground. Blood pounded in his ears as his panic rose. One was bad enough, two was pushing it, five... Five meant trouble.

He tore at his hair. He wanted to bang his head against the wall, but the others were right outside. This couldn't be happening.

 

“Changhyun? Are you okay?”

He moaned weakly, shivering under his blankets. His whole body ached. Sweat drenched his body and every movement sent a chill down his spine.

“No...”

Chanhee pressed his palm against his forehead. His fingers were cold.

“You're burning up,” he pulled his hand away, frowning, “I think it would be better for you to stay home.”

Changhyun wasn’t about to object. He could barely move without feeling like he was dying.

There was a knock at the door.

“Chanhee, the van's waiting downstairs,” Minsoo stepped in, “Is Changhyun okay?”

The latter groaned at his name.

“No, his fever got worse. There’s no way he can go out like this. Let him rest for today.”

Minsoo worriedly crouched by his bed and patted his hand.

“I’ll explain to the manager. Stay home and sleep, okay?”

Changhyun made a noise. He hoped it came across as agreement.

They silently left the room, but not before Chanhee draped another blanket over him. Changhyun closed his eyes. Outside he could hear Minsoo explain the situation to their manager and the other members.

He drifted in and out of sleep, the sounds outside his door both comforted him and annoyed him. His feet were cold and his head pounded. His mouth was parched. The door creaking open made his eyes blink open.

Niel and Byunghun tiptoed to his bed.

“Are you asleep?” Niel whispered.

He shook his head.

“Here. We have to go now, but we prepared this. Hopefully it will be enough until we come back.”

Changhyun started to sit up slowly, wincing. They rushed to push him down.

“Don’t get up. Just lie down.”

He took a look at what they brought in. Niel was holding a hot water bottle and extra blankets, which he then handed to him. Changhyun hugged the warmth to his chest, grateful. Byunghun set down a few water bottles and a thermos on his dresser.

“We made you some soup.”

Changhyun grimaced at the mention of food. He couldn't imagine stomaching anything right now.

“Just try and have some. It'll still be warm.”

“And if you can’t, at least drink some water so you don't get dehydrated.”

He nodded. They tucked him in tightly before leaving. He heard the front door click shut, and he was left in silence.

 

It was too hot. Changhyun kicked off the blankets. Now it was too cold. He let out a frustrated sigh as he returned to his cocoon of sheets. He just couldn't win. Even his tattoos seemed to be overheating. He stared up at the ceiling.

Now that he was alone, all his problems started gnawing at his mind. They refused to be ignored any longer. His thoughts thundered in his head, refusing to let him sleep.

His muscles ached as he lifted his arm to trace along the ink on his torso.

He remembered the first time it happened. A simple smile was all it took. Minsoo grinned happily at him, his heart skipped a beat, and suddenly his hip bone started to warm.

He had hurried to the bathroom as soon as he could. He locked the door and lifted his shirt, staring in horror at the lines of color appearing on his skin. Leaving the bathroom after was done with his head bowed, his face flushed with shame.

The others happened much the same way. A simple show of affection and his skin was inked. It wasn't that he fell in love easily. He couldn't explain it, but his band members, they meant the world to him. He couldn’t help but love them. They took up a special place in his heart, and now on his skin.

But they wouldn't understand. They'd call him a freak, disgusting. Changhyun could already imagine the hatred, the disappointment, the shame when they finally would find out. And it broke his heart.

He had scratched at the tattoos until they were red and sore. But they wouldn't disappear.

 

He was awoken by cool fingers pressing against his forehead. He blinked away the sleep and squinted at the figure above him.

“Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you,” Jonghyun whispered, “Just came in to check on you.”

Changhyun shivered. He felt damp and gross.

“I think you might need to change. You sweat right through your shirt.”

He groaned and shook his head.

“Don't want to.”

Jonghyun laughed quietly.

“Come on. Here, I'll help.”

He tugged him forward gently. Changhyun complained, his body heavy and slumping forward. It wasn't until Jonghyun's fingers tugged at the hem of his shirt did he realize. His eyes shot open.

“No! Jonghyun, wait!”

He tried to pull away. But it was too late. His shirt was over his head and he knew what Jonghyun would see.

There was a beat of silence. And then words. Changhyun didn’t know which one he’d rather have.

“Changhyun? What... What is this?”

He turned his head, avoiding eye contact. The other was scrutinizing him. With what? Hatred? Disgust?

“I'm sorry,” he whispered, “It wasn't meant to be like this. I don't-”

The door opened and the other members walked in. Changhyun was too slow to hide himself.

“How's our little one doing?” Chanhee bounced over to the bed, before stopping in his tracks, “Oh my god.”

You could hear a pin drop in the shocked silence.

“Changhyun? Are those...?”

The tears were falling, him unable to stop them. He knew what they were seeing.

Byunghun's tattoo was inked across his collarbone, the top disappearing over his shoulder. Niel was drawn across his ribs, the black edge overlapping the fine lines of Chanhee's tattoo. There, on his hip bone, was Minsoo's ink, dark and harsh in contrast to the skin. And there was Jonghyun's, across his chest, right above his heart.

“Is that-”

He grasped desperately at his blankets and pulled them up.

“Yes! They're yours, okay?” He cried, “I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to. I don't even know what happened. I just-”

He couldn't finish his sentence before collapsing into sobs. Only his choked hiccups rang out in the silence that continued.  

He couldn’t believe this was happening. Give him a few weeks, a few months, and he might be able to explain. But this was too soon, too unexpected. And he wasn’t ready to face the consequences just yet.

“How long?” someone asked.

He tried to stifle his sobs.

“M-months,” he admitted weakly, head bowed.

There was a sharp intake of breath.

“Changhyun,” Niel stepped closer.

“No!”

He scrambled away.

“Please. I'm sorry. I know I'm a freak, I'm repulsive. I couldn't help it, okay? I just, I just... I'm sorry,” he sobbed, bringing his hands up as if to shield himself.

Nobody said a word as he continued to apologize, blubbering as the words became harder to pronounce. What else could he do?

“Oh, Changhyun,” Chanhee finally sighed, dropping down on the bed and tentatively putting his arms around the younger, “You must have been suffering a long time.”

Changhyun stiffened at his embrace. He looked up with wide eyes still brimming with tears.

“What are you doing? Don't... Don't you hate me? I might as well be ruining our entire careers with... With this.”

“Well, then we'd all be going down together,” Byunghun said, approaching the bed.

When Changhyun wiped away the drops blurring his vision, he realized they weren't looking at him with loathing or hostility in their eyes like he thought they would. Instead their gazes were tender.

“We don't hate you,” Chanhee said softly.

“Or think you're disgusting.”

“Quite the opposite really.”

“We love you, Changhyun.”

Changhyun blinked up at them.

“...what?”

The others smiled apologetically, their hands clasped. They crowded around him and he whimpered quietly, still unbelieving, but Chanhee soothingly patted his shoulder.

“We wanted to tell you earlier, but we were worried about your reaction. It's definitely weird that it happened to all of us, and we didn't know what you would think. We kinda jumped to the same conclusion you did, that you would think we were disgusting and hate us, so we didn't tell you,” Niel perched on the edge of the mattress.

“We really should have said something. It would have saved you a lot of pain, huh?” Chanhee asked sadly.

“What are you guys talking about?” Changhyun was still confused.

They glanced at each other, uncertain. Minsoo bit his lip before nodding.

“Here. Look.”

Minsoo held out his arms, visibly shaking. There, hidden between the lines of his others, was Changhyun's tattoo. It was small, and it fit perfectly with the rest.

Changhyun sucked in a breath.

“Us too.”

Byunghun lifted his arm to reveal his side. The tattoo was slightly bigger on him, around the same level as his elbow. If he kept his arms down, it was hidden. Niel cleared his throat and tugged on his shirt, pulling it down. Changhyun could see just the start of his tattoo jutting out. But the design was unmistakable.

“Mine was quite big.”

Jonghyun turned and lifted the back of his shirt. Changhyun gasped as he took in the large design inked onto his back, the colors vibrant and splashed across his skin.

“And me.”

Chanhee caught his attention. He pointed down to his crossed legs. Changhyun's eyes widened at the sight of his tattoo etched across his ankle.

“I... I don't understand,” he whispered.

“Don't you see?” Jonghyun took his hand, “We all love you. So much.”

He didn't answer, just continued to stare down at his and Jonghyun’s clasped hands. The others grew nervous at his silence. Surely revealing this wasn't a mistake?

Slowly, Changhyun's eyes flitted from one person to the next. He couldn't believe it. His tattoo, his, splashed across the skin of the five people who meant the most to him.

“Changhyun? Are you okay?”

“I can't believe it. This is a dream,” he murmured finally.

The others started laughing, relieved.

“Believe it, Changhyun.”

“You're so amazing-”

“-talented-”

“-cute-”

“-sexy-”

“-wonderful-”

“-beautiful-”

“-just perfect.”

They all beamed at him, making him flush and turn to bury his face in Chanhee’s chest.

“Screw you guys,” he cried, weakly hitting the other, “This has been making me worry for months. Why didn't you tell me?”

“We weren't sure how you would feel,” Minsoo apologized.

“You idiots! How could I not love you guys? You mean everything to me!” he exclaimed, frustrated.

His eyes were wet again, not from sadness this time, but from happiness.

“We'll make it up to you,” Jonghyun swore.

“We promise never to hurt you again.”

“Or let anyone make you sad.”

How could he be sad? He had everything he ever wanted. Minsoo, their leader and his rock, cold at times but always caring. Chanhee, ever comforting and a shoulder to cry on. Byunghun, beautiful and dorky. Niel, a breath of fresh air on stressful days. Jonghyun, his best friend, forever by his side.

“You better not,” he mumbled, not edge to his voice.

He could have considered this their perfect ending, but of course Changhyun’s body had other plans. The fever made his head pound and his crying had left him rather dehydrated.

Once his symptoms hit him again, he turned back to a groaning and pained mess. The others jumped immediately to his care, cooing at him and happily babying him. He swatted at their touchy hands, pouting.

Chanhee wiped at his face, blotting away the tears. Niel opened and handed him a water bottle and Byunhun left the room to prepare a warm cloth. Minsoo fetched him a new shirt and Jonghyun shook a few pills into his hand.

“These should help with your fever.”

Despite his high temperature, Changhyun was smiling so wide his face felt like it was splitting.

“You okay?” Chanhee asked once they were all back in the room.

He looked at all of them.

“I'm so happy.”

They grinned back at him. He snuggled back into his blankets, his heart light. Jonghyun clambered onto the bed, sneaking behind him and hugging his waist. Chanhee tucked him back in and sat at his feet. Byunghun, after placing the damp cloth on his forehead, seated himself carefully next to his pillow and stroked his hair. Niel and Minsoo, with no more space on the bed, settled down on the floor. Niel leaned his head back, his hair just tickling Changhyun's arm. Minsoo held his hand, absentmindedly drawing in the palm.

“I love you guys,” Changhyun murmured sleepily.

A soft chorus of “I love you's” rang out, the words blissfully rocking him to sleep.


End file.
